Directions

Where in the Wednesday One-Liners Is Carmen Sandiego?

Guy on cell: I'm at the corner of West 4th Street and West 12th Street. Which sounds completely ridiculous, I know.

–Outside Cubbyhole

Girl on cell with boyfriend: Yeah, we got lost… We're somewhere in Yonkers.

–Bleecker & W 10th St

Loud tourist on cell: I'm in Rockefeller Plaza. Just look for a guy with a Starbucks cup.

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: linda

Blonde on cell: Yeah, I'm in the 'hood.

–SoHo

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman on cell, directing friend to find her: Do you see a really tall man holding an umbrella up high? I'm near a really tall man holding an umbrella. …he's very attractive.

–Concert on The Great Lawn

Overheard by: sternie

Suit on cell: Unfortunately I'm in the Financial District right now… Man, I wanna come up there and make love to both of you.

–Financial District

Wednesday One-Liners Still Aren't a Tourist Attraction

(looking down at Washington Square Park's currently under-construction fountain)
Girl: Oh, is that where the World Trade Center used to be?

–Kimmel Center

Bensonhurst Italian guy on phone: I can't fuckin' wait for the Freedom Tower.

–Financial District

Suit on cell: Does anyone know where 9/11 is?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jeffrey

Tourist: Is this the train to 9/11?

–R Train

Confused tourist (thinking he's looking at the WTC site): Will you look at that? They put a fucking graveyard in there! I mean, what the fuck?

–St. Paul's Church, Broadway & Fulton

Tourist: My favorite is my 9/11 Santa.

–Museum Shop, 53rd b/w 5th & 6th

They're So Cute When They're Ignorant

Ten-year old boy: Dad, how long will it take to get to the World Trade Center?
Father: Well, it will take a while. We have to go through 14th Street, 9th Street, Christopher Street, Hoboken, Pavonia/Newport, then to Grove Street. Then at Grove Street we switch trains to go to the World Trade.
Ten-year old boy: Wow…and it's all 'cause of those damn terrorists!

–PATH train, 23rd Street

Wednesday One-Liners Just Hope They'll Get There Eventually

Conductor: This is 14th Street, Union Square. Transfers available to the 4, 5, 6, L, Q, R, and W trains. This is a Queens-bound N train. The next stop will be 14th Street, Union Square. 14th Street, Union Square will be the next stop.

–Uptown N Train, Canal Street

Overheard by: V

Conductor: This is 33rd Street. Transfer is available to the… street.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Murray Hill Schlub

Conductor: This is 66th street, Lincoln Tunnel.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Close but no cigar

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This train will *not* be going to South Ferry, due to issues with the problem. I repeat: we will *not* be going to South Ferry, because of issues with the problem.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: There is no N train service across the platform. I repeat, there is no N service across the platform. (N train pulls in) …that is an an N train across the platform.

–Queensboro Plaza

Oh Look, There's the Three-Headed Dog!

Tourist husband, as train stops: 14th Street.
Tourist wife, smiling delightedly: Exactly like it says on the map!

–A Train

Overheard by: Theresa

Tourist Season Is New York’s Hunting Season

Conductor: Attention, passengers. This is the last stop on this N train. For service to Brooklyn, please exit and take the R train. Again…
Tourist: Wait, is this the N train?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does the N train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does this train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger, exiting: No.

–N Train

Overheard by: Still searching for the logical flaw

Spike Lee Encourages You to Get on the Wednesday One-Liners

Bus driver: Next stop… Moheegan Sun–I mean 5th Avenue.

–Crosstown 86th Bus

Chinatown bus driver: Does anyone know how to get to Chinatown?

–Chinatown Bus

Bus driver: Utopia, transfer to the… Hmmm, the Q, the Q, the Q tres y uno. For all you Americans that’s the Q31.

–Q46 Bus

Bus driver as bus approaches 7th Ave: Next stop is 8th ave… or Broadway… or whatever street this is.

–M27 Bus

Overheard by: JoBell

Bus driver: Can you people please move back? It’s really crowded on here, you might find your future wife or something.

–48 Bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: Patricia!

Cranky bus driver on extremely crowded bus: This is Central Park West, get off. I mean, have a nice day!

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: Cori

No Computer Can Replace Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Barry P.

PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.

–7 Train Subway Platform

Overheard by: your girl Dunham

Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.

–E Train, 7th Avenue Station

Overheard by: jeannine

Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.

–Downtown 6 Train

Conductor: For those of you who don’t know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.

–LIRR

Overheard by: androgenious

Geography Seems Immaterial in the Presence of an Irish Wolfhound

Lost barhopper: Hey, do you guys know where MacDougal Street is?
Hipster: Oh, I’m sorry dude. I’m just looking at the size of the fucking dog over there.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: KNation

Although If You Had, I’m Sure the French Would’ve Given Them to You

Polite Japanese tourist: Excuse me, please. Can you give direction to Empire State Building?
Angry old man: Hell, no. It’s not like you people needed goddam directions to get to Pearl Harbor.

–Broadway

Overheard by: He’s sorta right

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