Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Posted on June 12, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn, Central Park, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Facebook, Fears, Food, Friends, Hipsters, Kids, Men, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Thievery, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Usually There’s a Gruelling Application Process

Queer: I am not paying for the appetizer, because it came out at the same time as our entree and it should have come out before.
Ghetto waitress: You have to pay for it, because I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get money for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghetto waitress: You’re lucky you even got your food!

–Diner, 51st & 9th

Overheard by: Rich

Posted on June 7, 2019
Food, Ghetto Chicks, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Threats, Waitresses

I Can't Keep Up with You Crunchy Hippies

Customer: Excuse me, do you know where the croutons are?
Whole Foods maintenance guy: Croutons? That some kind of vegetable or something?

–Whole Foods, Houston St

Posted on June 2, 2019
Clerks, Customers, Food, Questions, Stupidity, Whole Foods, Words

Wednesday One-liners Got Late Night Munchies

Mom: Excuse me, Mr. Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin, that’s a little revisionist, don’t you think?

–Park Slope

Posted on May 26, 2019
Brooklyn, Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, Parents, Park Slope

How Vanilla Ice Cream Becomes a Chocolate Milkshake

Man: This is no good. It’s sour. I want one that’s fresh.
Employee: I put ice cream and milk.
Man: I don’t care what you put in it. Maybe it’s the milk, maybe it’s the ice cream. You taste it, or bring out a manager to taste it, either way I want one that’s fresh.
Employee: You come tomorrow. Speak with manager. Change with him.
Man: So what am I supposed to do? Stick this in my ass until tomorrow?

–Baskin-Robbins, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Jenn Milazzo

Posted on May 5, 2019
Comebacks, Customers, Food, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Vendors & Street Performers

My Slow Suicide Diet Is Just Too Tasty Not to Share

Suit #1: I want to make Hasidics eat bacon cheeseburgers with a glass of milk.
Suit #2: Kill yourself.

–38th & 5th

Overheard by: Andrew Z

Posted on May 2, 2019
Bryant Park, Food, Judaism, Suicide, Suits

A Veal Man Is Hard to Find

Friend: So how was your date?
Woman: Oh my gosh it was amazing!! The best I ever had! It was cosmic!
Friend: On the first date? Wow!
Woman: I know! It was the best veal Parmesan I have ever had!

–5th Ave

Posted on May 1, 2019
Compare/Contrast, Dating, Food, Friends, Manhattan, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Women

What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll

Posted on April 29, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Construction Guys, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Global Geography, Guys, Holidays, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Politics, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Subway conductors, U.S. Geography, War, Wishes & desires

But How Could He Know?

Guy: I don’t know what happened. I was talking to my roommate, and then next thing I know, I’m sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating peanut butter with a spoon. I don’t know how I got there.
Girl: Wow…Do you do that a lot?
Guy: What, black out?
Girl: No, eat peanut butter like that.
Guy: Oh, um…yeah, I guess so.

–G train, Greenpoint Ave

Overheard by: G train enthusiast

Posted on April 28, 2019
Food, On the Subway, Psychology

Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey

Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.

–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn

Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!

–Staten Island Ferry

Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!

–Chambers & West St

Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Posted on April 17, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fashion, Food, Friends, Height, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Puerto Ricans, Staten Island Ferry, Store, Teens, The Village, Thievery, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women, Words