Chick: Please turn gay and let me be your fag hag!
Dude: No…
Chick: But my potential as a fag hag is being completely wasted! I have such great potential, too! Think about it — I am neurotic…
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Hametuka
Bimbo #1: Oh my god, like I could totally pickpocket you right now.
Bimbo #2: No you couldn't, I could like totally feel you!
Bimbo #1: Like I totally want to learn how to pickpocket.
Bimbo #2: I like want be a professional pickpocket.
Bimbo #1: Yeah, but you have to be all stealthy and shit.
Bimbo #2: There you go using big words again!
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Dude #1: …so do you think I can have dibs on her, or is that not a good idea?
Dude #2: What do you mean?
Dude #1: Well, she had an abortion six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh dude, what are you doing!?
Dude #1: Yeah, but can't she not get pregnant because she just had an abortion?
Dude #2: Oh, that's a good point. I don't think that works like that…
Dude #1: But it was six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh, I thought you said six months ago! Yeah, man, you got a sweet deal there. I can't believe your luck, where do you keep meeting these women!?
–Bathroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Guy #1: So, I was at this thing last night playing guitar or whatever, and my friend Ashley* is eating out this fat guy’s asshole…
Guy #2: What?!
Guy #1: Yeah, seriously.
–Dorm elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: OnlyinNY
Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.
–Fordham University Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Admiring Student
Woman, texting: How do you pluralize "uterus"?
–TKTS Booth
Overheard by: DramaPirate
Kids entertainer, singing: Do you know what a co-creator is? To create is to make something, and when you co-create, you do it together…
–Kindergarten party, Williamsburg
Cashier with cookbook: It's got a table of continents so you can see what's in it!
–Department Store, 225th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Student: I just love adding "izzle" to the end of words.
–Metro-North
Coworker: UPS didn't have the tracking information at first, but then they found it… Good thing, because I was about to blow a casket.
–Fordham University
Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.
–5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nerd
Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do… You… Take… Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!
–Milford Hotel
Overheard by: not an asian call girl
Guy: I’m a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!
–Central Park
Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig’s list. Shit, there’s like 5,000 hookers on Craig’s list. I love that shit.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: who knew?
Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?
–39th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Asian girl to friend: As long as I’m slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!
–22nd & 9th
Overheard by: Kate
Female law student in interview suit: I just get along with older white guys. We click. Women, younger guys, no so much.
Fellow law student: That's because you're fertile.
–Fordham Law School
Literature prof: Carlos Fuentes and Octavio Paz were two Mexican intellectuals who wrote essays concerning what it meant to be Mexican. Can anyone name some equivalent American intellectuals who were concerned with what it means to be American?
Student #1: Steven Spielberg?
Student #2: J. K. Rowling?
Student #3: Bob Dylan?
Student #4: C. S. Lewis?
Student #5: Stephen King?
[silence]
–Fordham University Classroom
Overheard by: [Embarrassed] to be an American
