Blonde girl, laughing hysterically: I mean I didn’t even think that was possible!
Brunette friend, laughing hysterically: Thank god they’re not our friends!
Blonde girl, suddenly serious: People must think we’re so happy. But we’re so unhappy.
–Cafeteria, Hunter College
Hot soccer mom: Yesterday his mother actually asked me if I own a can opener! Do you believe that? What a bitch. She lives to put me down.
Friend: Wait… So you do own a can opener?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: that girl
Dramatic student hipster: I’m just trying to get my life back together. You know when you’re trying to get your life back together after one of those periods of being away for awhile without contact to the world, thinking about your direction and what you’re doing.
Friend: Do you mean your family vacation?
Dramatic student hipster: Well, yeah.
Friend: It was three days.
–Bagel Zone, 3rd & Ave A
Overheard by: Cpt Kate
Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Get out of my way – I’m in a hurry
Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.
–Chelsea Whole Foods
Overheard by: and she did
Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It’s not that he’s slow. He just hesitates before answering because he’s thinking of movie quotes and stuff.
–515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave
Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.
–Grand St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering
Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.
–79th St Subway Station
Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin’ so slow? Don’t you know what city you’re in? Shit!
–42nd St & Madison
Overheard by: Jen
Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we’ll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn’t too fast.
–F train
Overheard by: He ain’t kiddin’
Drunk girl: I don’t like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.
–D train
20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Girl on cell: I mean, I don’t know if it’s because I like never do this or if it’s because it’s sooo big… But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can’t even sit down.
–UWS
Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: westchester girl
Young lady:… And then he jammed it in my shitbox.
–Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights
B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?
–Broome Street, Chinatown
Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.
–109th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cassandra
Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!
–8th St & 6th Ave
Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.
–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave
30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.
–E 34th St
Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!
–New School
Girl #1: I got completely wasted last night. I woke up outside my friend’s bathroom with my pants off, credit cards all over the floor. But here’s the thing -my top was on.
Girl #2: WTF?… What did you do?
Girl #1: I’m not sure…I don’t really remember. The last thing I remember is rubbing my face in some guy’s crotch with people in the room. Oh, he had his pants on, obviously.
Girl #2: You’re such a slut.
Girl #1: I know right. Anyway, my friend woke me up, telling me that I was going to miss the fung wah.
Girl #2, puzzled: Where were you going?
Girl #1: Boston.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I’m really not sure.
–C Train
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Parsons student #1: He always said he’d dump me if I cheated.
Parsons student #2: Do you really think he’d dump you?
Parsons student #1: I cheated five times.
Parsons student #2: Jesus.
Parsons student #1: I’m easily flattered!
–Loeb Hall, E 12th St
Girl #1: I don’t understand why he was so upset. It’s not like I was being insensitive or anything.
Girl #2: Are you serious? You asked him if he had aids!
Girl #1: Yea, but only because he said he was gay!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Timmy Lee
Young guy to his friend: As least if she’s got diarrhea, I won’t need the lube.
Friend: Dude. That’s gross. Like I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Guy: Well I mean it sounds gross and if you get past the smell, it’s pretty kick ass. Awesome texture man!
Friend: You’ve done this before?!
Guy: The first time, I didn’t want to. But afterwards, I was thinking of sneaking her laxatives cuz it was so rad. But dude! I lucked out, she has digestive issues!
Friend: What the hell did NYU do to you?
–F Train
