Gays and Lesbians

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Social Construct

Angry construction worker to befuddled construction worker: Don't look at me like that! Don't say that to me! Go home and fuck my wife, asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jumana

Construction working to another: Man, I need to get me a bi girlfriend. She'd be lovin' me, and I'd be lovin' her friends.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich R.

Construction worker, singing: If there's a skeeter on your Peter/whack it off! (claps twice)

–Waverly Place & 5th Ave

Overheard by: steph

Tough construction worker, unloading van: Yo, I was up til like 2 am watchin' Scooby Doo Where Are You!

–Humboldt & Withers

Overheard by: francesca

Construction worker, staring up at construction skyscraper: It's all twisted. It's going to come down.

–Williams St

Overheard by: Sonya

And the Only Tablets I Take Are Ecstasy

Straight guy: You're like the Moses of the New York gay scene.
Gay bear: Just the chubby ones.

–NYU

It Would Finally Be Okay for Him to Suck

Amy Poehler: Yeah, I can’t believe I was pretending to jerk off on a gay cruise and looking at Seth the whole time. He was really embarrassed and didn’t know what to do.

–26th & 8th

I'm Barred From Her Dungeon for Life

Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says “Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!”
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an “I'm getting spanked, and it's hot” scream as it was an “I'm shitty and it hurts” grunt.

–Grocery Store, The Bronx

Homosexuality Isn’t Really Considered a Disease Anymore, Heather

Girl #1: So, I heard your sister slept with another guy last night…
Girl #2: Yeah, I know. I love her, because she’s, like, my sister and all. But seriously, she’s going to get a fucking disease.
Girl #1: It’s really easy to. I mean, I only sleep with girls, and remember when I got one?

–Line for Ani D. concert, Central Park

Overheard by: tiffany.

…Since You Wrote Your Doctoral Dissertation on the Subject.

Dude #1: How's your sister doing?
Dude #2: She's fine.
Dude #1: So what is it with all these lesbians looking like Justin Bieber?

–2 Train

Overheard by: DG

The Teacher Wanted to Make It Clear That the Correct Word is ‘Faggot’

8-year-old: Today Jahzeer and Wassef told Steven he was gay and lesbian! And Steven started to cry!
Older sister: Oh. And did you tell them that wasn’t very nice?
8-year-old: No. The teacher started yelling at them! It was very entertaining. I was excited to be there.

–Corona, Queens

Overheard by: Amy

…We're Having a LGBT Singles Mixer!

Middle aged black lady, giving subway directions: So what are you trying to get to on 42nd Street?
Group of teen girls: Home.
Lady: Homos?
Girls: Home!
Lady: Oh, I thought you said homos, I was gonna tell you to send them to church!

–Uptown F train

Don’t Ask Her About the Pigeons

Lesbian #1: I love you.
Lesbian #2: Do you love me even when we’re like Bert and Ernie?
Lesbian #1: Of course! Wait, who’s Bert?
Lesbian #2: Me. I’ve been so uptight.
Lesbian #1: Great. So you’re the tall, thin, uptight one and I’m the short, fat, stupid one.

–Union Square

Remember to Tip Your Bartenders and Castrati

Queer: We want girly drinks. Something fruity.
Bartwink: Okay? Did you have anything in mind?
Queer: Can you talk in a higher pitch when we’re talking about girly drinks?

–Barracuda, W. 22nd Street

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