Global Geography

We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners

Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!"

–Shuttle Train GCT

Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth

Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!

–Henry St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Jesse

Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.

–Deli, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: LP

Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Andi C.

Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!

–34th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Kramer

Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!

–23rd St & Park Ave

Except for Those Poor Confused Newfies

Chick #1: They’re so unpatriotic.
Chick #2: What do you mean?
Chick #1: I, like, went to visit a friend of mine in Canada for the 4th of July weekend and nobody was celebrating the holiday.

–Hudson & Leroy

Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire

Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?

–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: erak

Tourist woman on cell: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.

–56th & 5th

Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.

–12th & 1st

Guy: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".

–Chelsea Market

Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."

–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!

–17th & 6th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

I Find Starvation Heightens His T-Ball Game

Girl #1: Look at these pictures.
(girl #2 starts to look at pictures)
Girl #2: Oh look, my son looks like one of those… uhhh… hmmm…? I forgot what they are called.
Girl #1: A hungry child?
Girl #2: Yeaaaah, like one of those kids from a third world country.

–Buhre Avenue, Bronx

Overheard by: DaILList4Ever

None of That Explains Carrot Top

First man: So after Cain killed Abel he was sent from exile and went up Europe way.
Second man: Not Asia?
First man: No, the Caucus mountains… that’s up Europe way.
Second man: Oh, you mean like Turkey.
First man: And since black people don’t like the cold, Cain went to live in a cave and started to grow and was the first caveman. Now at that time there was dinosaurs but they weren’t really dinosaurs, we call them dinosaurs but that’s just how God made animals, you know, until you start messin with the DNA of ’em.
Second man: Oh!
First man: Then Cain met his sister and they had a baby together but since Cain was cursed for being the first murderer their baby came out an obino.
Second man: An obino?
First man: Yeah, a red-headed blue-eyed obino and that’s where white people come from. Then they went to the north pole and you know it’s light there six months and it’s dark there six months and the wind is always blowing and that’s where Asian people come from. That’s why they eyes is like that because the wind was always blowin in they faces.

–D Train

You Sure It Wasn’t a Roach?

Girl #1: Dreadlocks are so dirty. How do you wash them?
Girl #2: My friend told me about this guy she knew whose dreads were so dirty that one day he found a scorpion in them.
Girl #3: Are you sure it wasn’t just lice?
Girl #2: No, it was a scorpion.
Girl #4: Well, wait, where was he from?
Girls #1, #3, and #4, together: Jamaica?

–41st & Madison

Overheard by: Scorpions are creepy

Even Better Than Secaucus, Son

Young father: Here we are — New York City! The greatest city in the world.
Four-year-old son: Even better than Hoboken, Dad?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Phil

Wednesday One-Liners, a Worldwide Pants Production

Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I Love You Alex

Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him… Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!

–W 12th St

Overheard by: Paige

Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Meaghan

High school goomba on cell: He’s just mad because I’ve got my own style. Y’know, I decided what I wanted to be like — y’know, how I wanted to look — and went with it. Just wait until summer — he won’t be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you’re a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!

–S48 bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: It’s not part of the uniform?

Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!

–E 12th & 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: Mistres Silver

Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, ‘Hold on. You’re Muslim and I’m Texan — I don’t think this is gonna work.’

–Cheapshots

Overheard by: B

Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can’t wait!

–32nd & Broadway

We All Agreed That the South Isn’t a Country

Woman #1: Wow, are those peaches?
Woman #2: Yeah, peaches.
Woman #1: Wow, I thought they only grew in poor countries.

–Community garden, 9th & C

Wednesday One-Liners Think Lebanons Are Girls Who Like Girls

15-year-old on cell: Why would they invade Lebanon? We’ve got nothing they want. All we’ve got are trees.

–64th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline

Professor Obvious, on Hezbollah situation: It’s, like, so Old Testament. They really need to come up off that shit.

–Wooster & Houston

B&T mom on cell: God, honey, calm down. I’m in Manhattan, not Lebanon.

–American Girl Place, 49th & 5th

Overheard by: Courtney

Wannabe cartographer: Where’s Hezbollah…Like, it’s a city in Iran, right?

–Mug Café, E 13th St

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