What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)

Drunk-looking girl on cell: … And I just received a postcard of butts! Things are looking up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ladle

Angry soccer mom: Whoever has his or her hand on my ass, you better be one of my kids.

–Staten Island Ferry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass striations?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

College girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Needless to say, my ass cleared every surface he had in that room. Twice.

–Downtown B Train

Overheard by: Pola

Tall guy on cell: Listen, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you gotta do is pull out a camera. They drop their panties in a second, at least that’s what I tell the committee.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Conductor over loudspeaker: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ mama’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Overheard by: Tina K

Posted on May 11, 2018
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Cleanliness, Drunks, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Kids, Moms, Nudity, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pictures, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Race, Sexuality, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Staten Island Ferry, Subway conductors, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Or You Could Swallow a Twinkie

Guy #1: I don’t know man, I thought when I had kids I would no longer want another woman. I thought it would end you?
Guy #2: Yeah yeah, it never ends.
Guy #1: If kids doesn’t do it, how do you make it stop?
Guy #2: Cupcakes.

–Bodega, 3rd Avenue & 10th Street

Posted on May 6, 2018
Bodegas, Guys, Should've Used a Condom

Perhaps These Breasts Will Answer Your Question

Guy to guy friend: Did you see the Giants game last night?
Girl, interrupting: I did! I am the biggest Giants fan ever! Like, seriously.
Guy: You're wearing a Jets jersey.
Girl: Ohh, I thought it was Giants, you know, the colors sometimes get confusing.
Guy: How do you confuse red and blue with green and white?
Girl: Uhhh…

–F Train

Posted on April 30, 2018
Clothing, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, On the Subway, Sports, Stupidity

It Still Beats Unemployment, Though

Girl: My job is terrible.
Guy: Gimme a break, my job is so bad I wanna kill anyone who even looks at me…and half of the people who don't.
Girl: Okay, you win.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Dustin

Posted on April 26, 2018
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.

Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.

–Uptown 6 Train

Posted on April 25, 2018
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Insults, On the Subway, Questions, Race

Wednesday One-Liners Say a Mouthful

Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can't be Facebook friends?

–20th St & 6th Ave

Guy to buddies in the passing Skyfari car: Yo, that building over there… That's the building where I got that $5 blowjob.

–Skyfari, Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Stefan Yonker

Young man, dismissively: I could fucking suck cocks for a living, it doesn't matter!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Middle schooler, wrestling in Aids memorial: Ooops, I sucked your dick!

–Hudson River Park

Overheard by: Nina & Phil

Middle-school girl to mother: My e-mail password is "blowjob".

–L Train

Posted on April 17, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Facebook, Friendship, Guys, Hudson River, Internet, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, Nostalgia, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Prostitution, Questions, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Jason Was a Final-Round Draft Pick for the Other Team

Dude: So I finally saw Lisa's* tits. Good stuff, man.
Friend: Yeah? Are they big?
Dude: Not at all. But it's better that way. A handful is enough.
Friend: So it's like nuts?
Dude: What the fuck?
Friend: No! I mean they say a handful of nuts is enough protein for the day! That came out totally wrong!
Dude: Whatever you say…Tinkerbell.

–67th & Columbus

Posted on April 5, 2018
Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Friends, Fruit, Guys, Nipples, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

Posted on April 1, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Ghetto Chicks, Grocery Stores, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Marriage, On Cell, Physical appearance, Queer guys, Sexuality, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village

Transferring From the F to the A

Guy #1: You know, I just love fucking my girlfriend up the ass.
Guy #2: Why do you want to tell me that?
Guy #1: It’s better than anything.
Guy #2: Dude, I don’t care, shut the fuck up.
Guy #1: It’s like putting your dick in a extremely tight and warm–
Guy #2: Dude, honestly, I don’t give a fuck, so if you are going to start again, I’m gonna rip out your throat. Comprende?

–F train

Overheard by: Ting