Janeane Garofalo: …so I just cover my whole body in Gold Bond powder.
–1st Ave. & 3rd St.
Janeane Garofalo: …so I just cover my whole body in Gold Bond powder.
–1st Ave. & 3rd St.
Proprietor: I heard you had a fall.
Octogenarian: Oh, yes. I had a fall. They even took me to the hospital for six hours. They tested me for everything except syphilis.
Proprietor: That's what they're supposed to test you for first.
Octogenarian: I wish I had syphilis. At least then I'd be having some fun.
–73rd & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: G
Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!
–Hostos Faculty Dining Room
Overheard by: glad she's leaving
Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food
Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…
–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: allison
Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.
–Upper West Side
Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.
–95th & 2nd
Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…
–Nathan's, West 32nd St
Overheard by: SuzeV
Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!
–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st
Overheard by: Lillian
Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!
–96th and Broadway
Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.
–jet blue terminal, jfk
Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients
Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.
–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit
Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.
–B61 Bus
Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast
Boyfriend: I found one of those things in my desk today, you know, like for a stamp.
Girlfriend: An ink pad?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you touch it?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you wash it off?
Boyfriend, examining finger: Almost.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, why do you have to touch everything?
–Uptown F Train
Overheard by: Laura
Girl #1: Being doped up on allergy medication probably isn’t the best time to confront an ex, right?
Girl #2: Right, definitely not.
Girl #1: And I probably only want to because I’m too stupid to think otherwise. I really love being able to breathe, but I wish it wasn’t at the price of my brain.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Rachael Swiss
Guy: Haven’t seen you in a while.
Barber: Yeah, I was having a problem with my tonsils. I was sick
for about 3 weeks.
Guy: You gonna have them out?
Barber: Probably. I should, but I’m chicken. But I probably gotta.
Guy: I got this friend who went to the doctor, right? And the doctor said he hadda go get a colonoscopy. You shoulda seen his face! He didn’t go.
Barber: You gotta do it, though, before things get worse.
Guy: Yeah, I think his colon did get worse.
–Manhattan Unisex, Allen Street
Guy #1: They don’t have my supplement here.
Guy #2: Try the health food store.
Guy #1: I would, but every time I go in there that woman tries to clean my aura.
–CVS, Bleecker Street
Woman #1: He had to take his cat to the vet.
Woman #2: She has to get spaded?
–Office, W. 53rd Street
