Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Street, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

They're Even Friends with It on Facebook!

Columbia girl: I mean, they're such bad friends. They basically support her being anorexic!
Friend: That's such an understatement. They encourage the anorexia! They're fucking fans of anorexia!

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fellow Supporter

Posted on February 7, 2009
Columbia University, Friends, Friendship, Health and Hygiene, Students, Weirdness

Your Rapier Wit Reminds Me What I Did to Your Mom

Teen: No Mexican food. I don't need diarrhea.
Teen with Mohawk: Your mom has diarrhea. Diarrhea gave your mom a coma.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Livingston

Posted on February 6, 2009
Ethnic Food, Family Ties, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Teens

And I Made 'em Fill My Teeth With Jelly

Asian guy: So you really love chicken, huh?
Big white guy: Actually no, its not really healthy to eat a lot of meat.
Asian guy (looking confused): But you eat all those crazy amounts of skittles in your desk, right?
Big white guy: Yeah, but I don't have any cavities. I mean, I had some and got them filled, but I don't have any cavities right now.

–Wall St

Posted on January 31, 2009
Asians, Food, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

Peanut, Pinenut, Ground Nut, Wednesday One-Liner Nut…

Ghetto girl: Hmm, I know what a peanut is, but what a walnut is?

–147th & Broadway

Man on cell: It's quite possible that my left nut is bigger than my right nut.

–82nd & Broadway

Girlfriend to boyfriend: So that's why Yoda sounds like busting a nut!

–Ave A & 6th St

Guy to friend: I've been bitten in the nuts by two different Scottish Terriers.

–7th Ave b/w 24th & 25th

Overheard by: Carmen

Guy on cell: I'm just like an anorexic. Every time they look in the mirror, they think "I'm not skinny enough," but I look in the mirror and think "these pants aren't tight enough," even though everyone tells me they can see my nuts.

–L Train

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Balls, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Food, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Street, Trees and plants, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

…Four or Five Hours After You Report Them

Woman with migraine: Help me! I'm dying! I'm dying!
Triage nurse: Alright ma'am, just calm down and tell me what the problem is.
Woman with migraine: I'm fucking dying, what are you, stupid?
Triage nurse: Well, as soon as you develop some signs or symptoms other than being obnoxious, we'll talk.

–NYU Medical Center ER

Overheard by: Turn their ankles

Posted on January 25, 2009
Death, Health and Hygiene, Hospitals, Insults, Nurses, NYU, Women

Not the Cylonspital!

Five-year-old girl #1: Then she woke up, and she was in the Cylon hospital.
Five-year-old girl #2, in complete horror: What?!

–Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kate

Posted on January 24, 2009
Brooklyn, Health and Hygiene, Kids

I Think There's Something Wrong With My Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: You mean the labia? No, that's a vagina part.

–13th & Ave B

Overheard by: Caroline

Woman to friend, in line for bathroom: I'm taking that medication that makes it really dry, again.

–Ethel Barrymore Theater

Overheard by: Crumb Doughnut

Cornelius, crazy hobo: Yo' pussy looks betta' than yo' face!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Lily London & China Rose

Monotone suit on cell: That pussy better be ready by the time I get home.

–Houston & Broadway

Girl on cell waiting for Port Jefferson train: Okay, be serious for a second, how do you know if you're allergic to latex, though? Really, cause dead honest, it's a puffed mushroom right now. I don't know what to do. Should I go see someone, do you think Henry would notice? Really, what if I turn off the lights?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Chester

Posted on January 21, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Beauty, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Home, Sweet Home, Madison Square Garden, Medicine, On Cell, Parks, Penn Station, Questions, Sex, STDs, Street, Suits, The Village, Theater, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

So Pretty Much the Same As the Semester

Girl #1: So how's your break going?
Girl #2: Oh, you know, I've been stumbling upon a lot.

–Mulberry St

Posted on January 18, 2009
Accidents, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Little Italy, Questions

We're Fairly Certain Paula Abdul Manages

Guy #1: I was sleeping and someone came in and stabbed me in the head three times! Next thing I know I'm in a coma for two months!
Guy #2: Whoa…was you high?
Guy #1: High?! Man, I was sleeping! How can I be high when I asleep?
Guy #2: Oh…

–F Train

Overheard by: cs

Posted on January 17, 2009
Body Parts, Drugs, Guys, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Stab, Time

Health and Hygiene