Woman: What are you listening to? Can you hear me? I'm talking to you.
Guy rocking out to his music: Oh yeah! Soundgarden. So good! Listen. (hands her earphone)
Woman: Oh, I must know some other Soundgarden. (hands back earphone)
Guy, still rocking out: This is the best! It's great to have sex to!
Woman: Ew! I can't believe you just said that. Can you hear me? You can't hear me. Fuck you! Yeah, I said it.
Guy, not hearing her: I love syncopated riffs!
–Downtown 1 Train
Teen skater #1: Dude, I wanted to chill on Easter but my mom said I had to go to church.
Teen skater #2: You should've said “mom, fuck church!”
Teen skater #1: Dude, if I had said “fuck,” I wouldn't be alive. I would've been under the couch. My mama would've stuffed me in a bag… Put some incense on that shit so it wouldn't smell.
–6 Train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Elderly lady to coughing woman sitting across the room: Do you have something in your throat? Cuz I could slap it out for you.
–Doctor's Waiting Room
Old lady to pharmacy tech: Yeah, I always have an ice cream cone when I see the truck. It's such a nice treat. (pauses) Plus, you never know–this could be my last one.
–Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Queens Newsbunny
Very old frail-looking woman leaving crowded train: Goddamned people and their fucking backpacks!
–6 Train
Old man on cell: Hello? (pause) I'm at the crack shack. (pause) Well, you look like a raccoon. (pause) This is the first I've been outside all year!
–Madison Square Park
Old Jewish woman, in Russian: My grandchildren are total fucks.
–Coney Island
Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you.
–Times Square
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.
–1st Ave & 89th Street
Overheard by: Citats
Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure."
–Union Square
Overheard by: Olivia
Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today."
–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.
–80th St & 2nd Ave
Philosophical teen #1: Don't count your eggs before they hatch…
Philosophical teen #2: When should I count them?
Philosophical teen #1: Exactly.
Suit, passing: You're an idiot.
–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
Thin girl #1, in front of ice cream fridge: Oh no, I shouldn't get any. I'm fat enough already.
Thin girl #2: Bitch, do not say stupid shit like that. You look fine.
Thin girl #1: No, you don't get it! I only look skinny. I have no muscle definition at all, it's all fat. I'm marbled. It's a trick.
Thin girl #2: So you're like… A stealth fatty?
Thin girl #1: I'm a chub ninja. I walk amongst skinny people undetected.
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Drunk girl #1, shouting into bathroom: What you still doing in here?
Drunk girl #2: I'm shittin!
Drunk girl #1: Ew! What you doin that for? I wait til I get home and shit in my own bathroom.
Drunk girl #2: Girl, fuck that! If I gotta shit, I'ma shit!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: missed my train
Girl on phone: I gotta go to another guy because the last guy was like, "have you been sleeping with any Asian investment bankers?" and I was like, "no," and he's like, "well, then you don't have syphilis." And I'm like, "you're not a very good doctor!"
–Greenpoint
Girl on train: You should really meet this guy. He's like half witchdoctor and half… I don't know… Physical therapist.
–LIRR
Overheard by: The WC
Bag lady, yelling: What is my vital sign, asshole? Systolic… Diastolic… The fuck does that mean, Mr. Doctorman?
–6 Train
Overheard by: pretending not to have been pre-med in college
Suit on cell: What do you mean I'm being ridiculous? He's a foot doctor… He's not licensed to give rectal exams, Floyd!
–Q Train
Overheard by: EKavet
Teen #1: Yo, she said she was gonna break up with me 'cuz I didn't sleep with her that night.
Teen #2: So, you broke up?
Teen #1: Nah. I'm going to her place after school tomorrow.
Teen #2: I can't believe you didn't hit that.
Teen #3: Yo, even Patton had to retreat before he took Berlin.
(silence)
Teen #1: Dude… What the fuck?
–Montague Street, Brooklyn
Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.
–Midtown
Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.
–Roosevelt Island Golf Center
Overheard by: erak
40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.
–The High Line
60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?
–Prince & Sullivan
