Insults

You Might As Well Be Walking on the Sun

Short thug: Nigga, stars come in all sizes. Just 'cause some are bigger don't mean they are closer.
Tall thug: Fuck it, they don't! The sun's the biggest star because that motherfucker's the closest. (other thugs murmur in agreement)
Short thug: What about the moon, then? It looks bigger than any of them bitches.
Tall thug: Because it's closer! Damn!
Short thug: But it ain't bigger than a motherfucking star!
Random thug: Ain't nobody know how big a star is, man.
Short thug, exasperated: How many of you niggas smoking your own shit? (they fall silent) Goddamn! Well, that explains a whole fucking lot!

–St. John's & Underhill

Raise Your Hand If This Makes You Sad

Girl, after boy flirtatiously bites her arm: Motherfucker!
Boy: I am.
Girl: What?
Boy: I fucked a mother.
Girl: You have?
Boy: Yeah, I fucked a girl who had an abortion.

–East Village

For Those Who Think High School Boys Have No Taste

Student #1: Hey, look! He has pimples on his tongue!
Student #2: No, idiot, those are taste buds.

–Bard High School Early College

…According to the Daily Scramble in The Crackpot Times

African-American preacher: Everybody singing about Obama. Obaaaaammma. Obaaaaaaama. Obama ain't black, learn the truth, Obama is Al-Qaeda. Obama is Muslim. You know how Obama got them black man lips from smoking them Marlboro cigarettes.
Traditionally-dressed African-American man: You don't know what you're talking about, motherfucker. You were brainwashed by the white man.
African-American preacher: That's racist! The bible doesn't see in black and white. Obama's a homo! Obama's a baby killer!

–2 Train

WTFday One-Liners

Buff guy with tattoos: I wish I could just stop time and fuck them all!

–42nd St

Mime on cell: Who the fuck is this?

–2nd Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Jesse D

Man pacing back and forth on cell: Yo! What the fuck is up with your fucking friend Chris? He just smiled at me and said "I'm going to fuck your wife tonight," and walked away laughing. What the fuck is that all about? (pause) What! You're working a double tonight? The fuck you are! Fuck this shit! I'm coming to get you after I get off.

–210th St & Bainbridge Ave

Overheard by: Gutterlush

Thug on cell: Lavender, potpourri… Whatever the fuck you want, they fucking got it.

–Washington Square Park

Guy on cell, angrily: Yeah, well, I never want to see you again because you're such a bitch. (pause) Whatever, fuck you! (pause) Fuck me? Fuck me? (changes tone) You wanna fuck me? (pause) Yeah, I wanna fuck you, baby… (pause) Yeah, okay, I'll be right back.

–Chelsea Market

Money Can't Buy Me Wednesday One-Liner

Girl on cell: And then she said "dammit, I'm in love with a 52-year-old gay man," and I was like "well, who isn't?"

–Astoria

Overheard by: AnotherFagHag

Man on cell: So I told her, "I missed you more than I loved you," but I didn't mean it in a bad way.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Overheard by: memzilla

Black student to black girl sitting next to him: See that's why niggas don't tell bitches they love 'em!

–St. John's University

Overheard by: naha

Thug on cell: No, no. I love your whole ass as issss.

–Broadway & Beaver

Girl to group of friends: Right, I'm so incapable of love because I think sex is gross!

–LIRR

Hot 20-something to another: Either he acts like he doesn't know me, or he is a total asshole. No wonder I'm in love with him.

–Union Square

The Movie Doris Day and Rock Hudson Should Have Made

Woman: What are you listening to? Can you hear me? I'm talking to you.
Guy rocking out to his music: Oh yeah! Soundgarden. So good! Listen. (hands her earphone)
Woman: Oh, I must know some other Soundgarden. (hands back earphone)
Guy, still rocking out: This is the best! It's great to have sex to!
Woman: Ew! I can't believe you just said that. Can you hear me? You can't hear me. Fuck you! Yeah, I said it.
Guy, not hearing her: I love syncopated riffs!

–Downtown 1 Train

…In the True Spirit Of Easter.

Teen skater #1: Dude, I wanted to chill on Easter but my mom said I had to go to church.
Teen skater #2: You should've said “mom, fuck church!”
Teen skater #1: Dude, if I had said “fuck,” I wouldn't be alive. I would've been under the couch. My mama would've stuffed me in a bag… Put some incense on that shit so it wouldn't smell.

–6 Train

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Wednesday One-Linering Miss Daisy

Elderly lady to coughing woman sitting across the room: Do you have something in your throat? Cuz I could slap it out for you.

–Doctor's Waiting Room

Old lady to pharmacy tech: Yeah, I always have an ice cream cone when I see the truck. It's such a nice treat. (pauses) Plus, you never know–this could be my last one.

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Queens Newsbunny

Very old frail-looking woman leaving crowded train: Goddamned people and their fucking backpacks!

–6 Train

Old man on cell: Hello? (pause) I'm at the crack shack. (pause) Well, you look like a raccoon. (pause) This is the first I've been outside all year!

–Madison Square Park

Old Jewish woman, in Russian: My grandchildren are total fucks.

–Coney Island

Wednesday One-Liners Go on Maury to Establish Paternity

Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.

–1st Ave & 89th Street

Overheard by: Citats

Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Olivia

Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today."

–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.

–80th St & 2nd Ave

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