Four of Five Dentists Recommend Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Then I looked down at her and said, ‘Your bleached teeth are burning my dick!’

–Caliente Cab Co., Waverly & Green

Suit to female companion: You’ll stick your tongue up my ass, but you won’t share my toothbrush because of germs?!

–Renaissance Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: Big Larry

Girl on cell: … So then he asked me to leave my toothbrush at his place, and I said no. And then he never called me again! I’m glad I didn’t leave my toothbush there.

–1 train

Overheard by: joe d.

Guy on cell: … So I lost my job, and he brushed my teeth for six months.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Young girl to mother pushing stroller: Oh, right, like I’ve never brushed her hair. Like I’ve never fed her or brushed her teeth. What the hell have you done for her?

–63rd & Lex

Overheard by: Jillian

Posted on April 18, 2015
Health and Hygiene, Kids, On Cell, Suits

Dad's Still Hoping for a Little Lesbian

Little girl, pointing at a bathtub full of candy balls: What are those, daddy?
Dad: Those balls are dirty.

–Candy Shop, 63rd St & 3rd Ave

Posted on April 17, 2015
Balls, Cleanliness, Dads, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Parents, Questions, Store, Upper East Side

Great, Now the Kid’s All Horny

A mother and daughter catching snowflakes on their tongues.

Mother: I caught one, did you catch one?
Daughter: Yes!
Mother: Mine was too small, it tasted tiny.
Daughter: I got one!
Mother: What does it taste like?
Daughter: Power!

–2nd Avenue & 9th Street

Overheard by: Alexander Romanovich

Posted on April 17, 2015
Food, Kids, Moms, Union Square and East Village, Weather

Wait 'Til They Have Their Sex Conversation

Five-year-old kid: What's that?
Mom: That's baseball. Like on a Wii but in real life.

–Central Park & E 96th St

Posted on April 16, 2015
Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Moms, Parents, Questions, Sports, Video Games

If Only the Minutemen Could Keep Out Hicks

Little kid, holding out french fry: Patata!
Hick woman: Patoota? What's that?
Hick man: Little kids' word.

–Belgian Beer Bar, 75th & 2nd

Overheard by: Even my Spanish isn't that bad

Posted on April 15, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Default, Kids, Language Barrier, Men, Questions, Rednecks, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Women, Words

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

Posted on April 15, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Fashion, Fashionistas, Food, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, JAPs, Kids, Moms, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Students, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

Smart Genes? No, Those Are in the Wash Today.

Mother: Which side do we get out on?
12-Year-Old daughter: Whatever door opens, Mom.
Mother: Yeah, but both doors say they’ll open.
12-Year-Old daughter: Just get out on the side with the platform, Mom.

–LIRR

Overheard by: vick
Headline by: Spotty Muldoon

Runners-Up:
· “Dad Went to Harvard; Mom Went to Nassau Community” – bri b
· “God Never Closes a Door Without Confusing a Mother” – Eamon
· “Mind the Generation Gap” – d f
· “Must Be as Smart as This Door to Enter the City” – Amy Stephenson
· “Not a Throw Momma From The Train Fan” – John P.
· “The Other Side Is For the Tourists” – Andrea P
· “Twelve-Year-Old Finally Tells Mom Where to Get Off” – Vince Johnson
· “When She Was Pregnant, She Asked the Fetus Which Hole It Would Come Out Of” – janey
· “Wile E. Coyote Needed This Kind of Help” – DC Wonk

Click here to see the new Headline Contest