Wednesday One-Liners Sneak Big Shampoo Into Their Carry-Ons

Pilot: We haven't been cleared for landing yet, so we're just going to have to fly around for about 30 minutes. We have about 45 minutes worth of fuel left, so we should be okay.

–Flight into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Andrea

TSA representative to man punching the beeping metal detector: Sir, I don't think that you understand how this works, but you are not supposed to punch the machine when it beeps.

–JFK

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen of the jur… We'll be coming around to serve refreshments shortly.

–JFK to Burbank

Overheard by: Bella

Pilot: I would like to apologize for the long delay and I am happy to announce that we will shortly be making our way over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go in Louisville. Our flux capacitor is up and running and once this baby hits 188 miles per hour you'd better hold on tight.

–LaGuardia Airport

Pilot: So, is everyone excited to go to Honolulu?

–JFK Flight to San Francisco

Overheard by: that would be nice, though…

Posted on September 17, 2008
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Compare/Contrast, Fears, Flight Attendants, Global Geography, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Pilots, Public Transportation, Questions, Time, Weirdness, Words

Plus, That's Not the National Bird of Guam

Lady #1: This crossword puzzle is hard. Look at this one.
Lady #2: Mmmhmm. Well, you misspelled “dumb” right there.
Lady #1: Oh my god!

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on August 25, 2008
Default, LaGuardia Airport, Stupidity, Women, Words

Flushed and Slurring Wednesday One-Liners

Female baggage handler to male colleague: I don't drink tequila no more. That's how I got my first kid.

–LaGuardia Airport

Very impressed girl on cell: Whoa! You actually remembered her name this time? Were you not drunk?

–12th St & University Place

Overheard by: Mr. Hedge

Seemingly sober grad student: Let's face it. We'll be drunk in (checks watch) fifteen minutes.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

NYC police officer: How hard can it be to find a drunk person on this floor?

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Vanessa

Girl with drink, to friends: This will have to be my last one, guys, I have to go babysit.

–Greenwich Ave & Charles Street

Overheard by: Jodi

Posted on August 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cops, Coworkers, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, Port Authority, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Students, The Village, Time, Women

At Least That’s What the Guy in the Turban Told Me

(After the recent spate of terrorist attacks the TSA decided to stop allowing liquids past the security gate)
TSA agent: I’m sorry, miss. You can’t bring coffee past the security checkpoint.
Lady in a hurry: It’s okay, it’s tea.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: John M.

Posted on June 20, 2008
Airports, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Default, LaGuardia Airport, Offers and requests, Security Guards, Women

Looks Like We’re in for a Bad Spell of Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!

–4 Train

Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.

–LIRR

Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.

–72nd & Columbus

Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Etiquette, Girls, Gripes, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Latinos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Pilots, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Women, Words

How Susie Learned to Speak in Vague Hypotheticals

Seven-year-old girl: Daddy! You wanna hear a secret?!
Dad: Sure, but remember honey: I’m a social worker so if this is a secret about you hurting yourself or others I have to report it.
Seven-year-old girl: … Never mind.

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Jessica

Posted on April 15, 2008
Advice, Dads, Default, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Offers and requests, Parents

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Need to Wand You

Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…

–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave

Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Susan

Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!

–NYU SIlver Building

Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!

–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert

Overheard by: j-bones

Posted on March 26, 2008
At the Airport, Balls, Black People, Crime and Punishment, Default, LaGuardia Airport, Men, NYU, Offers and requests, Security Guards, Store, Superheroes, The Village, Theater, Travel, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Words

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.

–F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

–IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…

–B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Brooklyn College, Default, Flight Attendants, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Idiots, LaGuardia Airport, Movies, On the Subway, Panhandling, Philosophy, Porn, Staten Island, Stupidity, White People, Words

And Stop Fondling Yourself

PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package… But I can’t check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You’re a jackass.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: octoserge

Posted on February 8, 2008
Guys, LaGuardia Airport, Penis