Hobo with jar around his neck reading “TIPS” is approached by another hobo wearing a sign reading “CLASSIC BUM.” An American Apparel employee comes out and takes a Polariod.
“TIPS” hobo: This is a Bum War, lady. But you like what you see? Spare some change?
–Houston & Orchard
Little girl: Look, Mommy, it’s a butterfly. Why do they call it a ‘butterfly’? Because it looks like a fly?
Little boy: It’s because it looks like butter and it flies, right, Mommy?
Mommy: Wrong.
–Pitt & Delancey
Overheard by: Manny
Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one?
–El Greco Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.
–Elevator, 34th & 1st
Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.
–House party, 113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: McFreaky
Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!
–Orchard, near Rivington
Overheard by: losaida
Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.
–G train
Overheard by: Jordan
TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away!
–1 train
Overheard by: Emily Star
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.
–Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
–2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.
–Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
–8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Sarah
Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: Aileen
UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.
–The Strand
Overheard by: losaida lois
Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.
–W 35th St
Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Woman #1: Don’t step on those leaves!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: This is why I don’t come to Manhattan — all these goddamn trees. I hate leaves.
–Grand & Essex
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: Gunther
Runners-Up:
· “But I Love the Black Gum Splotches On The Sidewalk” – Naked Lunch
· “Hobos, on the Other Hand, Are Manhattan’s Welcome Mat” – Kristin
· “In Jersey We Don’t Have to Put Up with This Crap” – PeterG
· “There’s Nothing a New Yorker Won’t Hate” – Volante
· “This Is Why I Hate Leaving the Bunker.” – sweetchuck
Drunk girl: That is the largest book bag I have ever seen.
Gutter hippie: This isn’t a book bag. This is my house.
–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave
Overheard by: wished i was that drunk
Horrified tourist chick #1: Oh my god, did you see that?
Horrified tourist chick #2: I think it’s a sex shop!
Horrified tourist chick #1: No!
–St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Drunk 40-ish lady: You wanna slide down my chimney tonight?
Hipster in Santa suit: … No.
Drunk 40-ish lady: Kiss me.
Hipster in Santa suit: No… Ma’am.
–Bowery Ballroom
Hipster girl: The friendly giant plays the clarinet. Can you play the clarinet?
Tall hipster guy: No, but I can play the recorder.
–2nd Ave, between 2nd & 3rd St
Overheard by: Grace
