Wednesday One-Liners… The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Kid to another: Stephen king is the best autha, yo. But Danielle Steele is the best girl autha, yo.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Joel

Teen to friend: Santa's a well-read dude, but they won't let him pee.

–5th Ave Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Dude Santa

Ghetto chick: Yeah, maybe mama will actually buy a book…one day.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Guy trying to push "free literature": This book is really important. It was the book that Gandhi followed. Do you know who Gandhi is? He's like the Indian Martin Luther King.

–L Train

Man reading Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?: What? Poets do not write poetry all day! They work shitty jobs in design firms and sell things to assholes from San Diego! (turns page) And writers don't write all day! They pick up laundry for Park Slope bitches!

–Children's Section, Barnes & Noble, Court Street

Overheard by: Amused Bookseller

Posted on August 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gender issues, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Questions, Store, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

… But You’re Still a Bitch

Man: Bitch, why you gotta make things so complicated?
Woman: I’m always complicated. You oughta be used to it by now.
Man: Yeah, that’s true.

–14th St crosswalk

Overheard by: Leslie

Posted on August 29, 2014
Advice, Couples, Default, Insults, Men, Questions, Relationships, Street, Women

Wednesday One-liners Are in the Wrong Line of Work

Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: z0mb13

Guy on cell: I’m off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus.

–72nd & 1st

Overheard by: Todd Horan

Trader: I’m almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband.

–Madison Avenue office

Man on cell: She’s got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her divinity degree.

–118th & Broadway

Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don’t claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I’m not stopping until I make fifty-two million.

–F train

Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

Store chick: I’m just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it’s so expensive.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: jexe

Posted on August 27, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, Office politics, On the Subway, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Women

Probably Best to Do It While You're Spanking Her

Man #1: That's tough…
Man #2: Yeah. It's like asking your girl to lick your balls. There's no nice way to do that.

–Steinway St

Overheard by: Jake Blaxwell

Posted on August 27, 2014
Balls, Default, Etiquette, Men, Offers and requests, Queens, Sex, Words

You Know Rolls Have Too Many Carbs for Me, Winston.

Woman, seconds after stadium chanted each Yankee name: Who's that playing third base?
Man: What? Were you not paying attention during roll call?

–Yankee Stadium

Posted on August 26, 2014
Men, Names, Questions, Women, Yankee Stadium, Yankees

Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

Posted on August 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Guys, India Indians, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Questions, School, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Translation: “You're the Guy I Pantsed Every Day in Junior High”

Middle aged theater-goer to teenage boy dressed as renaissance page: Are you a part of the performance?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: What?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: Then why are you dressed like that?
Page boy: I'm just an eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Oh.
Page boy: Someone has to play the part of eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Well, good for you. High-five me, if that's not too far out of your century.

–Schubret Theater

Posted on August 23, 2014
Clothing, Men, Questions, Teens, Theater, Weirdness

Could You Call Ahead to the Pro-Choicers on 6th?

Environmentalist giving out fliers: Excuse me sir, do you care about helping our environment?
Man: Oh no thank you, I’m a Republican.

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Dave

Posted on August 23, 2014
Activists, Animals & Nature, Default, Flyer people, Men, Offers and requests, Politics, Questions, The Village

…Fair-Trade Heroin?

Scruffy man to another, walking by where a food cart usually is: Hey, that food cart ain't there?
Other man: You eat there! That's supporting terrorists!
Scruffy man: So! That shit's cheap!

–Post Office, 33rd St

Posted on August 22, 2014
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Men, Money & Class, Post Office, Questions, Terrorism

Men