Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please

Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I…I'm…near the bathroom!

–Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: near the computer

Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.

–Women's Bathroom, Hunter College

Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: matt

Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!

–Ladies Room, LIRR

Overheard by: BK

Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.

–Men's Room, Billy Elliott

Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!

–Men's Room, McDonald's

Posted on May 20, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Black People, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Height, Lies, Men, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Singing, Store, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Then My Answer Is “Miasma”

Man #1: What's with this girl Desriree?
Man #2: (pauses, thinking)
Man #1: Come on, it's a yes or no question!

–Club, Ave B

Posted on May 18, 2009
Alphabet City, Bars & Clubs, Men, Questions, Weirdness

No Commercials

Preacher on street corner: Jesus is the only one that can save you!
Man sitting nearby: This is so much better than Comedy Central.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Spazz

Posted on May 16, 2009
Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Jesus, Men, Parks, Preachers, TV

The Two Main Viewing Demographics Of Judge Judy

Woman: It's so nice to be retired…
Man: “Retarded?”
Woman: That, too.

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: EHL

Posted on May 15, 2009
Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Retardation, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Got the Part!

Conductor in thick Indian accent: Everybody's stressed out on their way to work, but remember you only came on the train with two hands! If you feel a third hand on you, feel free to do whatever you want with it!

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: megan rose

Young woman on cell: Daddy? Mommy said you called. Is it about your testicles?

–78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Bob

Man on cell: I just saw this human female walk by with these legs…

–SoHo

Overheard by: Another human female

Passing female coworker: Stick my finger up to the middle knuckle to make sure it's warm.

–31st St

Dorky guy to friends: So then she gets on the table and the next thing you know, one leg is over her head and I just didn't know what to do with myself…

–3rd & 23rd

Overheard by: tila

Jersey lady: Now I have to straddle him, hold on to his ears, and do it.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Wow. Just… wow.

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Balls, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Coworkers, Desi, Friends, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners– Now in Small, Regular and Porn Star

20-something girl: And then they had another raffle and I won another 30 minutes of free porn and a vibrator.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: eSong

Man, talking to himself in the park: I don't discriminate against women. Women discriminate against me. Why? Because they have all different kinds of dildos.

–City Hall Park

Salesman, shouting to man with girlfriend: Have you been neglecting your butthole lately? I'm selling some nice greasy vibrators here!

–34th St

Overheard by: Jessica

30-something balding man on cell: Dildo and show…

–14th & 3rd

Woman to friends posing for picture: 1…2…3…say: "sex toys!"

–West Village

Mythology professor: Ares was a bit stupid, so Aphrodite was pretty much the brains of that operation. For her, he was basically just a living dildo.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dildos and Vibrators, Free stuff!, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Hunter, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Porn, Questions, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

South Pacific Was Written Back Before Anybody Was Gay

Little boy to random man: I'm going to go see South Pacific with my daddy.
Random man: That's something you don't say in public!

–Times Square

Posted on May 8, 2009
Kids, Men, Movies, Parents, Strangers, Times Square

A Shitload Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)

–Q Ttrain

Overheard by: Robert G.

Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?

–Fordham University

Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: SophieMed

Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.

–Sunshine Suites

Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?

–Castle Clinton

Overheard by: B Fraz

20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I prefer to flush

Posted on May 6, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Dreams, Drunks, Fordham, Friends, Guys, Hotels, Kids, Laughter, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Questions, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Equus Would Make a Great Musical, Though

Man, looking at stage: Why are there shrimp hanging on the wall?
Girlfriend: Those aren't shrimp, they're horses' heads! This isn't a musical!

—Equus

Overheard by: Hope

Posted on May 4, 2009
Animals & Nature, Girlfriends, Men, Questions, Theater, Theater & Dance, Weirdness

I Can't Do It 'til Good Friday, Though

Large bald man: The first time I was flogged by my master, it was revelatory.
Man in sunglasses: Great. Well, I'd like to get you up on a cross, get you really straining.

–19th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sam

Posted on May 3, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Jesus, Men, S&M, Weirdness