Men

A Shitload Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)

–Q Ttrain

Overheard by: Robert G.

Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?

–Fordham University

Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: SophieMed

Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.

–Sunshine Suites

Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?

–Castle Clinton

Overheard by: B Fraz

20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I prefer to flush

Equus Would Make a Great Musical, Though

Man, looking at stage: Why are there shrimp hanging on the wall?
Girlfriend: Those aren't shrimp, they're horses' heads! This isn't a musical!

—Equus

Overheard by: Hope

I Can't Do It 'til Good Friday, Though

Large bald man: The first time I was flogged by my master, it was revelatory.
Man in sunglasses: Great. Well, I'd like to get you up on a cross, get you really straining.

–19th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sam

Over Seizure Salads

Drunk middle aged lawyer: Okay, okay, here's one…what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
Sober man: I'm afraid to ask.
Drunk middle aged lawyer: One shucks between fits! Haw haw haw haw. (stumbles off).
Sober man to puzzled-looking woman: I'll explain it to you later.

–Alumni Cocktail Party, Brooklyn Law School

Overheard by: Big Larry

Then Pull Up Your Pants, Sir.

Crazy old man: Was I fucking talking to you?
Young hoodie: Yo man, you need to calm down.
Crazy old man: Don't you fucking talk to me!
Young hoodie: Step off son, step off.
Old guy, a few seats over: Hey! (points at both men, who stop and stare) Chilly willy everybody, chilly willy.

–C Train

Overheard by: Mr. Nightingale

Wednesday Has His Cake and Eats One-Liners, Too

Teen on cell: Man, it's really hard to be bi-curious around gay guys you don't like.

–L Train

Older gay man: Oh, it must be wonderful to be bisexual! I mean, bilingual.

–69th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ana

Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I didn't want him making out with other girls. Other boys are fine, because they don't kiss on the mouth as much.

–Europa Cafe, 53rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Sam

Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, baby, this is the city. Eeeeverybody's bisexual!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Modern Guilt

And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?

Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?

–Union Square

Alex Trebek Is Oddly Irritating in His Downtime

Crazy hobo to man trying to ignore him: Did you know that Chinese has over 50,000 dialects?
Uninterested man: Wow, that's a lot…
Crazy hobo: And there are 18 provinces in Canada, not 4!
Uninterested man: You don't say…
(very long pause)
Crazy hobo: So, what kind of medication are you on?

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: Pete

Why Do I Feel Like I Need a Cigarette Now?

Man: You know…fuck that shit.
Woman: Chuck! I've never heard you use that word before.
Man: Oh, yeah? Fuck fuckin' fuckity fuck fuck!
Woman: Wow.
Man: Fuckin' motherfucker two-ball bitch! Let's get the fuck outta here.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Joanna Lin

Says the Guy in Crocs?

Old man: Give the woman your seat.
Young man: I'm not giving nothin' to no one in a North Face jacket!

–6 Train

Overheard by: DrNels

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