Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young

Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!

–94th St & Columbus

Overheard by: olivia

Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!

–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac

Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paula Katinas

Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: Mememonkey

Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!

–1 Train

Posted on June 10, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, JFK Airport, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Street, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Even 21 Jump?

Woman pointing south: What street is that way?
Man: Um, all of them.

–Central Park Mall

Posted on June 4, 2009
Central Park, Directions, Men, Parks, Philosophy, Questions, Strangers, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Kinda Fruity

Suit: If Mark didn't fall asleep and get his photo taken with lemons on his head, he might still be here.

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: It got even better when they elaborated

Sweater-clad hipster guy: I probably spend more per year on strawberries and cream than on my education. It's worth it, though. I value them more than my education.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Teenage girl: I don't want you to tell me there's a banana somewhere in there, I want to see the banana go in there!

–Church Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sonny

Girl to guy drinking juice: Eating mangoes makes vaginas taste better.

–Broadway & 9th St

Overheard by: Jessica

Irritated voice in choir loft, in the dark, at the end of Good Friday service: In all the excitement, I seem to have sat on my banana.

–60th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: haysoos

Man on cell: Did anybody give grandma her mango? You know that bitch flips shit if she don't get her mango!

–Central Park

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on June 3, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Education, Elevators, Family Ties, Food, Fruit, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Suits, Teens, The Village, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Why It's Better to Marry a Gay Guy

Hurried woman: Well, I don't want to wear heels. Could I just wear flats?
Annoyed and confused man, angrily: I don't know what flats are! As long as they're not moon shoes you'll be fine.

–F Train

Posted on June 1, 2009
Men, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Questions, Shoes, Wishes & desires, Women

Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner

Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean…these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!

–Bar, Smith & Sackett

Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!

–Jackie Robinson Park

Overheard by: Ian

High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!

–58th & 7th

Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!

–Fordham University

Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Fordham, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Harold and Kumar III Features the Same Old Regurgitated Jokes

Older man: I'm drunk and hungry, I need some White Castle.
Younger man: That'll make you throw up.
Older man: But that's how I end all my nights, so it won't be different.

–Christopher St & 7th Ave

Posted on May 26, 2009
Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Men, Old People, The Village, Vomit, Weirdness

That Joke Never Gets Old!

Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?
Girl with headphones, laughing: Good one!
Man: What is iPod? What is laptop?

–B Train

Posted on May 24, 2009
Girls, iPod, Laptop, Laughter, Men, On the Subway, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please

Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I…I'm…near the bathroom!

–Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: near the computer

Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.

–Women's Bathroom, Hunter College

Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: matt

Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!

–Ladies Room, LIRR

Overheard by: BK

Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.

–Men's Room, Billy Elliott

Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!

–Men's Room, McDonald's