Men

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Wednesday One-Liners

Lady shouting into cell: Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear! Stop screaming in my ear!

–Flatbush Ave, Prospect Heights

Overheard by: Ja9

Deli cashier with heavy accent to West Indian man with heavy accent: I don't speak Jamaican! I speak English!

–Crown Heights

Overheard by: Holly

Man on crowd: Stop shoving! There are fucking kids here, watch out, asshole!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Alexis

Man walking with small kid on cell: Ain't no one cursing at yo! Fuck, why you got to be like that?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Heather

Woman on cell: I just hate for people to hear my conversations in public.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Nicole

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On

Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.

–Broadway & 9th

85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: kyle

Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?

–Prince & Mulberry

Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"

–Broadway & 104th St

Overheard by: Cat

Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window…

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: amused

Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!

–Roosevelt Island Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About

Older woman to bored-looking male dinner companion, as they are seated at a table: Now we have to think of something to talk about.

–The Place, West Village

Overheard by: Colleen

Female grad student: I was trippy enough to talk to Shrek, but not trippy enough for him to answer.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Hobo with huge afro chasing after two chatting women: Are you talking when the champion is speaking?! How dare you?

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Teacher to class entering auditorium: Children, stop talking! This is a building!

–College of Mount Saint Vincent

Man on cell: Ray Romano, you're talking to a millionaire!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Katie

Girl on phone: It's just like, he seriously has a really squishy face that you can stick your finger in, and it goes like a million miles in, and you're just like "what the fuck!" But yeah, nothing happened, we just talked.

–Palladium Residence Hall, NYU

“Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?”

Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a…a cigarette filter into a knife!

–Uptown B Train

Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening…

Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!

–Broadway & 32nd St

Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.

–94th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Dan Rosen

Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!

–Fulton Street Mall

Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"

–4/5 Train

Overheard by: Whitey

Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.

–NYU

Overheard by: brooklyn1234

You Can't Walk Like an Egyptian Without Lots Of Lubrication

Woman to man: He's got this charm about him–he's slimy, like he's Egyptian or something.
(man, uneasy, looks around to check there are no Egyptians in there)
Woman, quickly: I don't mean “slimy” in a bad way.
Man: Sure.

–A Train

My Therapist Says That's Why I Don't Get Any

40-something man: Hey! I know you! You're Victor's daughter, right?
Teenage girl: Yeah.
40-something man: Wow, look how tall you've gotten. You probably don't remember me, but I'm a friend of your dad's from way back.
Teenage girl: Oh, awesome. (smiles)
40-something man: So…how are you? Still in school?
Teenage girl: No, no, graduated and taking a year off and then studying to be a lawyer.
40-something man, shaking head: Well, be prepared for a life of celibacy.

–34th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Sessi Li

Is This a Racial Incident? Discuss.

Hobo with cane: Is that a Pit Bull?
Man with dog: No, it's a Basset Hound.
Hobo with cane: That's impossible, Basset Hounds do not exist. It's a Pit Bull!

–Broadway & 10th St

And If She's Pregnant, Her Problems Are Deep-Seeded

Woman: I think she has deep seeded problems.
Man: Did you say “seeded,” like s-e-e-d-e-d?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Man: It's “seated.” Deep “seated” problems. Not “seeded.”
Woman: That's stupid. Why would a problem be “seated”? Seeds are deep, not seats.
Man: Seated, like, positioned.
Woman: Go pick your nose.
Man: Fine. Just remember when you told me there's no part of the body called a “bone of contention.”
Woman: I am so kicking your ass later.

–Civil Court, Livingston Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Your Editors Want to Order Whatever He Had

Starbucks employee: Sir, what is your name, so we can help you?
Man lying on floor: Well, my first name is Neil, like Neil Sedaka, but I'm not him. My last name is Bolton, like Michael Bolton, but I'm also not him. My name is Neil Bolton.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stina

Hasn't She Suffered Enough?

Man: Aww…why are you grumpy?
Woman: I'm not grumpy! I just don't like when you talk about getting head from Nancy Reagan!

–St. John's Place, Park Slope

Overheard by: Hunter

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