Guy: If I can be a good crackhead, I can be a good Christian.
–A train
Guy: If I can be a good crackhead, I can be a good Christian.
–A train
Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is!
–CVS, Lexington Ave
Child tourist: There’s so many people. Don’t they have jobs?
–Times Square
Overheard by: rae
Young boy: Were you sniffing my father?
–Bronx Zoo
Little girl: I can’t wait ’til I have my own psychic friend.
–181st & Pinehurst
Overheard by: Josh h
Young boy: Mommy, I wanna go see the thongs.
–Saks
Overheard by: Butt Floss
Young girl tourist, exiting taxi: Goodbye! I love you! More than all the other cabs!
–Thompson & 3rd
Overheard by: kerm and mere
Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!
–19th Ave, Brooklyn
Woman: See? I’m really good at boning.
–Gavroche, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest
Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?
–Water Club, 500 E 30th
Overheard by: Carolyn
Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?
–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th
Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.
–LIRR
Overheard by: kaydot
NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.
–MoMA
Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!
–Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Philip
Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!
–3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: confused grad student
Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.
–6 train
Overheard by: sheerah
Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no…this one is for tobacco.
–St. Mark’s
Elderly man: People are stupid! They don’t do pot!
–R train
Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: bernard black
Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.
–Lafayette & Houston
Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don’t keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.
–4 train
Overheard by: Mike
Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that’s not what I wanted to smoke.
–72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
–33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Alex
Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
–1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Kira
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
–150 5th Ave
Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses.
–6 train, 68th St
Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
–1 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Kimdog
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
–Times Square
Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.
–Hughes Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern’s Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.
–7 train
Woman #1: I know he be my baby’s daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin’ the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain’t got no teeth eitha’.
–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: lauren
Girl #1: You know how deodorant gives you cancer?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, I’d rather take the risk, because nobody’s going to like you for being smelly.
–R train
Girl #1: I’ve been doing eHarmony, and all of the guys they’ve matched me with have fit my personality really well.
Girl #2: I want to try eHarmony.
Queer: You’re getting married in, like, three months.
Girl #2: I know… I’m just curious.
–Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: I Know a Good Divorce Lawyer
Ghetto chick: They got some shit out there called Purple Motherfucker.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, I know about that. I don’t like to talk about that shit, though.
Ghetto chick: That shit so good, make me wanna curse my momma an’ shit!
–A train, between 125th & 145th
Overheard by: Deckard
