Philosophy

Lately Jesus Finds Himself Obsessively Playing ‘Dead Rising’

Guy #1: The Jehovah Witnesses say the world is ending and the good will inherit the earth… So then what? The less good people will be the bad people, and little things will seem worse?
Guy #2: I don’t get it, these religions are inconsistent. Is Jesus taking the good people with him or do the good people inherit the earth? I hope he takes them with him.
Guy #1: I spoke with Jesus and he doesn’t know what’s going on: he just got the Xbox 360 and said he could care less.
Guy #2: He sounds like a good guy.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Bobby

The G-Spot Is Inside You

Girl #1: I swear! This place exists!
Girl #2: If this place exists, then how come I can’t see it?

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Bones

Or at Least Have Your Tubes Tied

Chick #1: … But think about it — if we have so many bananas, like, in the supermarket and everything, then where are all the monkeys?
Chick #2: You are so right.
Chick #1: I mean, it’s true — shouldn’t they be here, where the bananas are?
Chick #2: That is so deep.
Chick #1: We should stop smoking weed.

–69th & CPW

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

God: You’ve Been Punk’d!

Boy: Why am I friends with you? Seriously, why would God punish me like this?
Girl: ‘Cause he’s really Satan?
Boy: Don’t you fucking get all philosophical on my ass now!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Lennon

About the Best Secular Humanists Can Do

Young child: Daddy, I don’t want to get run over!
Father, making them jaywalk: Yes, that’s a good philosophy to live by: Don’t get run over.

–12th & Broadway

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.

–F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

–IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…

–B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

I Can Say with Absolute Certainty That You Are Wrong

Man: You’re not mad at me?
Woman: Nah. I can’t get mad at you, ’cause I look in your face and know you’re not a valiscious person. You don’t mean it. Some people, though — some people are just downright valiscious.

–30th & Madison

Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey

Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Grad student chick: Yoda is not a relative. He’s little and green.

–NYU

12-year-old boy: I’m in a grey area right now as to whether Santa exists or not. I need more evidence.

–E 20th St

Overheard by: Dia

Customer to cashier: Frodo, it’s been real.

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Thug: You know what, nigga? I think all them zombies are racist mothafuckahs. You notice they always eat the brotha first? What are we, covered in mothafuckin’ chocolate? Do I look like a fondue fountain? That’s some bullshit.

–189th & Bathgate

Overheard by: Lyle

Hobo, in false British accent: Of all the dimensions in the universe, I had to end up in this one! New York — filthy, dirty, grimy. Greatest city in the world? Bah! I could have been fighting dragons with Merlin, but no! I had to end up here!

–6 train

More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates

Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.

–292 Lafayette St

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