Questions

It’s Not You, It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friends: They broke up… He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.

–Stone St.

Overheard by: Jen

Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?

–F Train

Overheard by: dianora

13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That’s so cruel! Um, can I date him?

–Thompson Street, The Village

Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!

–8th St Park

Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don’t like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it’s the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that’s great!

–Outside the Frick Museum

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don’t leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back… Please! (pause) Okay, but I’m keeping the deposit!

–E 4th Street

Overheard by: Nima Shirazi

I Don't Know What That Has to Do with Photosynthesis, But Good Question

NYU student: Are mountain goats agile?
Professor: Hell yeah!

–Mercer Street

Just Use Your New York Instincts and You’ll Do Fine

Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Class: [Laughter.]Japanese teacher: I’m not kidding, you don’t want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them… they’re a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.

–Japanese Class, Columbia University

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Overheard Editors: “We're Just the Messengers.”

Filipino queer: N'est pas moi!
Chick: Wait, what'd you say?
Filipino queer: “N'est pas moi,” it's French for “it's not me.” Want me to say it in Filipino? Click click click.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chuckles

More Like Banana Republic

Teen girl: Do you ever feel that you look like a banana when you smile?
Friend: No…

–60th & Broadway

No Disrespect Was Intended or Should Be Inferred

Tourist: Wait, so you’re telling me that Jesus is coming back within the next year?
Apocalyptic shaman: Amen brother.
Tourist: And that he’s a black man?
Apocalyptic shaman: Now, why you got to go and be a wise-ass cracka about it?

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Meghan

But I Only Crawl.

Girl #1: Do you walk on that side or this side?
Girl #2: Ewwww! I never walk on that side. That side is whack and for ugly people.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah. I live on that side.

–1 Bus

How Was Your First Day of School, New York?

Guy: What were you doing studying on the first fucking day of school? You didn’t even have your books yet. What the fuck were you studying? Studying nothing.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Dad: Two more pairs? What do you have now, like, 19 pairs?
Daughter: But these are different.
Dad: Fine, but this must be all you need then, right? We won’t have to do anymore shopping for the whole school year, right?
Daughter: Well, I’m not sure about that. I may need some later.
Dad: Why? You only have one butt!

–Marshall’s, Atlantic Avenue Mall

Overheard by: Jake Abraham

It Deserves a Hand.

Blonde #1: So my seventy-year-old father-in-law looks at porn!
Blonde #2: So what?
Blonde #3: Yeah, that just means he's a heterosexual guy.
Blonde #1: But that totally changes my opinion about moving into their place when we sell ours. I don't even want to touch his mouse!
Blonde #3: I'm sure he doesn't use the same hand.
Blonde #2: Yeah, you don't switch off like that.
Blonde #3: Yeah, he probably mouses with the right hand and jerks it with the left!
(silence)
Blonde #2: That was the best thing I've ever heard.

–105th St & Broadway

The Real Reason the Israelites Left

Ghetto store employee #1: Yo, they got people in Egypt?
Ghetto store employee #2: Yeah, they got Pizza Hut an everything. Right across the street from the pyramids an shit.
Ghetto store employee #1: Why they be eatin pizza? It’s hot in the desert they ain’t got to be eatin no hot pizza!

–Mass Produced Clothing Store, SoHo

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