Law student #1: Don’t judge me — I am just trying to learn!
Law student #2: I’m not judging you. I’m also trying to learn. [Law student #1 leaves room.]Law student #3: For someone who studies all the time, he sure doesn’t get it.
–NYU School of Law
Law student #1: Don’t judge me — I am just trying to learn!
Law student #2: I’m not judging you. I’m also trying to learn. [Law student #1 leaves room.]Law student #3: For someone who studies all the time, he sure doesn’t get it.
–NYU School of Law
Blonde middle schooler #1: So yeah, Omar asked me if I wanted to, like, go out with him again, and I was like, ‘Um, are you talking to me?’ Fucking retard.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Ewww, Omar?! Gross! He’s, like, ghetto or something.
Brunette middle schooler: At least someone asked you out! I’m 12 and I haven’t had any love in my life. What a loser!
Redhead middle schooler: No, we are friggin’ normal. All the ghetto girls lose their virginity when they’re ten.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Yeah, that’s true.
Blonde middle schooler #1: Nick told me he wanted to do it with me last year, in sixth grade.
Brunette middle schooler: Oh my god, Gayla! What did you say?
Blonde middle schooler #1: ‘Suck my dick.’
–99th & 1st
HS girl #1: Can we not drink on campus?
HS girl #2: No, I’m pretty sure we can.
–Columbia University, 116th St
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.
–Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
–2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.
–Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
–8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Girl: I’ll drink for charity. I mean, I’m gonna be drinking anyway, so sure.
–Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: Thomas
Chick in Santa suit, on cell: How’s it going? Santa’s sobering up.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo to pigeon walking toward his booze: Get away from that, you alcoholic bitch!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Shanaca
Girl to friend: I’m not drunk, I just like the way it feels on my skin!
–2nd St & Ave B
Chick on cell: … So you were like, ‘I should become an alcoholic.’
–Mulberry & Spring
Grad student, slowly: I followed you down the bedrunkenation path.
–International Affairs building, Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl: My friend wants to get a wheelchair and put a keg on it. He wants to call it ‘handi-tapped.’
–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
College kid #1: You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a Whopper.
College kid #2: Whoppers are the shit. But look, on the value menu, why buy a Whopper when you can get three and a half Whopper Juniors for the same price?
College kid #1, truly appreciative: Wow, Mike*, you’re so smart.
–Burger King, 42nd St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
College girl #1: Which way to the Eiffel Tower?
Suit, puzzled, pointing East: That way?
College girl #2: How far is it?
Suit: … About three thousand miles.
College girl #1: No! No! [Makes peak with fingertips of both hands.] The… Eiffel… Tower!
Suit: Yeah, that way about three thousand miles — across the Atlantic Ocean — in Paris.
College girl #2, also making peak with hands: No! No! It’s a… It’s a… The Empire State Building!
Suit, pointing at looming Empire State Building: The Empire State Building is right there.
College girl #2: You have to excuse us — we’re from Oregon.
–45th & 5th
Drunk NYU kid #1: Hey, sweet dog.
Janeane Garofalo: Oh, thank you.
Drunk NYU kid #2: Bro, that was Janeane Garofalo.
Drunk NYU kid #1: Really? Hey, are you Janeane Garofalo?
Janeane Garofalo: Yes.
–8th & University
Overheard by: persiangroove
Bronx-born bartender: Theses mouses is gangstas up in here!
–Bar, Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Johnny Progrums
Hispanic kid in group: Gah! Not only do they have rats, but they have immigrants!
–34th St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!
–93rd & Broadway
Woman on phone: … So they said, ‘If you found a rat, then you got a free taco…’
–92nd & Lex
Overheard by: Lost my craving for Mexican for dinner
NYU chick: Is that like a rat that masturbates?!
–Carlyle residence hall, Union Square
Overheard by: j
Spanish teacher, reading student’s homework: What?! What is this?! Novia? You’re going to ride your girlfriend?
Student: Doesn’t that mean ‘ferris wheel’?
–Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: No, he meant girlfriend
