Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners

Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.

–Ellis Island Ferry

Overheard by: land lubber

Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin’s death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Metropolitan Opera

Overheard by: Opera Onlooker

Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you’re not the angel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broadway

Overheard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pretty sure I’m invincible and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madison

Overheard by: kinicke

50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills herself. We just don’t know.

–Barnard College

Posted on October 1, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Church, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Death, Ferry, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Ivy League, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Questions, Religion, Suicide, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Theater, Threats, Tourism, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Clerk: … So she pulls the suicide card. On the second date!

–30th St

Overheard by: Schroeder

Sociology professor: Just think of your life as a thousand chances a day to commit suicide.

–NYU

Pessimistic teen: Jelly beans make me want to kill myself.

–Tasti D-Lite, Bleecker & MacDougall

Overheard by: Louis

Chick: I would never commit suicide! I would do something instead. You know, like cut sugar cane…

–NYU

Overheard by: Nosy

Posted on September 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Suicide, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesdanimal One-Liners

Man to friend: I don't know what made him think he could outrun an alligator!

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: Lory

Father to young son: Holy shit, Joey, look at the turtles! They're stackin' and rackin' 'em!

–Central Park Zoo

Mom to kid, pointing to seal exhibit: Look! Otters!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Rebecca

Young man, joyfully throwing his arms in the air: Then all of the lemmings go off of the cliff!

–The Village

Overheard by: Aaron

Posted on June 29, 2015
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Dads, Friends, Guys, Moms, Sports, Suicide, Weirdness, West Village

The Same Dynamic That Makes People See Slasher Movies

Overexcited teenage girl, picking up a copy of Alice Sebold's Lucky: Oh my god. Do not read this book. It will make you want to kill yourself, and the author.
Bored teenage boy: Really? I'm not that… depressed or anything.
Overexcited teenage girl: Neither was I!

–Columbia University Bookstore

Overheard by: amused bookseller

Posted on June 12, 2015
Advice, Books & Writing, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Murder, Psychology, Store, Suicide, Teens, Wishes & desires

…And Some Half-and-Half to Wash Down These Pills

Guy: Hey, Paul! What’s up?
Paul: Oh, I’m just going to hang myself. I mean, get some coffee.

–57th & Lex

Overheard by: Heather

Posted on June 6, 2015
Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Suicide

It Was a Social Suicide

Posh woman #1: Oh, do you remember our friend’s brother? The one who committed suicide?
Posh woman #2: Yeah…
Posh woman #1: Well, turns out he didn’t kill himself — he had a sex change.

–17th & 3rd

Posted on May 22, 2015
Death, Fashionistas, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Plastic Surgery, Suicide

Funny You Should Say That

Student conducting survey: Would you like to take a survey?
Girl: What's it about?
Student: Well, I can't tell you what it is about, but it only takes three minutes, and if you don't like it, you can stop at any time and still get a . . .
Girl, cutting him off: Okay, but it won't make me want to kill myself like every other survey I take?

–Columbia University, Lerner Hall

Posted on April 2, 2015
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Offers and requests, Questions, School and studying, Students, Suicide, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

At Least They’ll Stop Taking American Jobs

Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?

–Dumbo

Posted on April 2, 2015
Animals & Nature, Death, Girls, Questions, Suicide

After I Rob Your Corpse, of Course

Girlfriend: I am going to kill myself and blame it on you.
Boyfriend: Great… I’ll sign your suicide note!

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: sneakey black guy

Posted on February 3, 2015
Boyfriends, Couples, Fighting and ass kicking, Girlfriends, Relationships, Suicide, The Village, Threats

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.

–W 114th St

Overheard by: arthur digby sellars

Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? … That’s not a suicide pact, Dad, it’s a murder-suicide.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ian

Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let’s hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!

–Henderson Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!

–Chiropracter’s office

Overheard by: sara n.

Posted on January 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Suicide, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary