Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself.

–Public School, Bronx

Woman to man: So, how are you?
Man: Oh, I'm just peachy!
Woman: Really? How was your day?
Man: Great, I'm ready to hang myself!
Woman: Why what happened?
Man: Nothing. You know, that's every day. Actually, today wasn't even so bad.

–Subway Station

Guy: So, Plaxico Burress shoots himself with an illegal gun, and now he's going to be the next Senator from Illinois?
Girl: Sometimes I have no idea why I dated you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Yeah, it took me a second, too.

Daughter: But if we don't put them in on time we won't be ready! They're coming over and we have to start soon or we won't be ready!
Mother: Then there's only one option…suicide.

–Greenwich Café

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!

–77th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow

Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Overheard by: Tina

MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!

–Restaurant, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: Abbieprime

Girl #1: You know how lemmings commit mass suicide?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?

–10th & 1st

[A small girl in scarf hands end of scarf to babysitter, who is on the phone. Babysitter absentmindedly holds scarf. Little girl pulls away.].
Babysitter: No, honey, we’re going to go this way [tugs in other direction].
Little girl: But I want to choke myself!
Babysitter, not really paying attention: No, no…
Little girl: But I want to choke myself! [pulls away harder].
Babysitter, still vague: No, honey, that’s bad…

–Grand Central Station

Dude: It’s Kurt Cobain’s birthday soon.
Grungy hipster girl: Reeeally?
Skinny frat boy: Too bad he shot himself in the head.
Dude: Haha, yeah. Shotgun!

–New School dorm

Overheard by: Cameron

Sales clerk: Can I help you with anything?
Depressed girl: I just want to find the nearest window to jump out of.
Sales clerk: I can escort you to the highest point of the store.

–Toys ‘R’ Us, 42nd St

Girl: Ugh! Can I hang myself with your tie, please?
Guy: No! I love this tie!

–110th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Chrissy

Headline by: axc

· “But Here’s a Shoelace. And a Gun. And Some Pills…” – Laura
· “But I’m So Over This Kitchen Knife…” – Rod W
· “It’s Hard Getting That “Desparate Chick” Smell Out Of Your Laundry” – Dagre
· “It’s Not Like I’m Taking It with Me…” – mo
· “Lives Come and Go, But Argyle Is Forever” – Patrick
· “Use This Noose I Hate.” – pbump

Click here to see the new Headline Contest