Threats

Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Guido chick: It’s me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Guido chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pickpocket season. Now’s the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my family! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.

–Wintergarden Theatre

Overheard by: Annmarie

Boy #1: Hey, that’s sexual harassment!
Boy #2: Yeah, and you’d know all about it.

–E 15th & Ave J

Overheard by: incrediblediblegg

Boy #1: And I will milkshake all over your back.
Boy #2: And I will rub my lovely lady lumps all over your face.

–6 train

Overheard by: Alisha J.

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Teacher: Well, I guess it’s just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.

–SVA Building, 21st St

Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I’ma kick his ass!

–Christopher & Greenwich St

Overheard by: Justin Tang

Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.

–Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway

Dude to chick: You’ll have to wear a dildo…

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Elegant lady: That’s really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, ‘Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?’ Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, ‘Oh, no, not like that! It’s just that… I’m a Greenwich Village mom, and she’s been using the electric toothbrush!’ They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.

–Park Ave Bistro

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Argopelter

Woman: Well, I’ll tell you one thing — if you ever show up late again, I will have to refer to you as my late husband.
Man: Uh, you do know what that connotates?
Woman: Yep.

–Q train

Mom: Get off that damn railing before you fall and your head busts open like a watermelon!
Kid #1: Watermelon? You’re gonna be a watermelon!
Kid #2: I love watermelon!

–Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: blackbuttoneyes

Vendor: Who wants to buy a ticket for a comedy show? You! Do you want tickets to a comedy show?
Man: No.
Vendor: Why not?
Man: I’m going out of town right now. We’re on our way to Penn Station.
Vendor: I’m going to tackle you later.

–43rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Kapotskie

Stressed manny watching three kids: Ugh! [Under his breath] I’m gonna kill myself…
Little girl: Here’s a knife [cheerily hands him a butter knife].

–W Hotel Restaurant, 17th & Park

Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.

–A train

Overheard by: Stephie

Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?

Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!

–F train at Broadway-Lafayette

Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: autumn

Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.

–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Ryn

Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.

–BX 21 bus

Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Nervous