Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Do Their Little Turn on the Catwalk

Woman on cell, wearing fuchsia catsuit and clutching stuffed parrot: I’m on the corner of Broadway and 69th in a ridiculous outfit.

–69th & Broadway

Buff guy: You know what they used to call me in jail? “Harry the Robe,” because I wore this beautiful white robe after I took showers.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: gina

Girl on cell: I swear, if I have my underwear on inside out today I am just going to snap.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Amused listener

Preppy guy: Is there a philosopher named Kenneth Cole? Because there is this huge billboard with his quote on it.

–Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington between Norfolk & Essex

Guy in black cape and Batman-type mask: No one ever fucks with me when I go out at night rocking this outfit.

–Franklin & Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lil pirate

Girl: Do they even have Prada in Boston? They just have baked beans and Benjamin Franklin, and he’s dead.

–Stanton & Orchard

Girl, walking behind another girl who’s wearing a pink tutu, white stockings, and a tiara: Let her walk alone wearing this on her birthday.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Not Wearing a Tutu

Dr. Frankenstein’s Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Yeah, so I gotta get my intestine.

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Already Got One

Man on cell: My left testicle’s on 57th Street, my leg’s on 58th Street, and my nose is falling off!

–57th & 5th

Overheard by: Megan

Lady to friend: She’s a wimp even though she ain’t got no legs.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: snayl

Bimbette: Like, I totally starting choking. Something got stuck in my coccyx. It was bad.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Overheard by: DD

Gangsta on cell: I got a strong tongue. Any mood you in, I can fix.

–E Houston & Orchard

Crazy old man, pointing and yelling at little kid: Your skin is on backwards! Don’t be naive!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

How Are His Prices? Are They Sane?

Woman #1: He’s crazy.
Woman #2: No, no, no. See, when you say “crazy” I’m thinkin’ crazy, like smashing-car-windows crazy.

–Atlantic Center

Chick #1: I know he’s crazy.
Chick #2: Right, so you should be able to be like, “He’s crazy”, and
leave him.
Chick #1: But I’m used to his level of craziness.

–47th & Madison

Wednesday One-liners Lead the Market

Suit: The thing about sales is that you’re nothing but a paid liar.

–44th & Lexington

Girl on cell: Really? Three and a half hours? I don’t think so. The ad says after four hours you need to worry.

–Nassau & Liberty

Old woman: There’s this green tea thing now…Starbucks started it…supposedly it’s really good for you.

–Starbucks, Times Square

Girl: I am, like, having an affair with my iPod.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Man: I want the strongest coffee you have. With caffeine. Please.

–Starbucks, 78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Joshua S.

Queer: Allison, did you buy that bra so that the straps would match your shopping bag?

–2nd Avenue & 5th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Have Great Personalities

Guy smoking with his buddy, disgusted: Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe someone is attracted to me’?

–44th & 7th

Overheard by: Michelle

Street vendor, as homely Brazilian chicks pass: You are a disgrace to the country of Brazil! Ugly!

–46th & 6th

Man on cell: Eh, she was kinda lizardy-looking…

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: sean

Smoking street vendor chick to friends: I mean, if you’re going to be ugly, at least be articulate.

–N 6th & Bedford

Girl to another: I mean, I think he is attractive, but it took me a while to think that.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners Don Protective Camouflage

Suit: So, you wanna bring the strippers to paintball?

–45th St & Ave of the Americas

Suit: They are not stupid people, even though they are from the Midwest.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: MJ

Suit: We’re meeting in conference room G, but there’s still blood in there from the last meeting.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: Russo

Suit whispering baby talk into another’s ear: Freddie, wash my butthole.

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Late-50s suit to another: My next-door neighbors, they don’t know how to communicate with their Mexicans.

–N & R platform, 49th St

Overheard by: Wish I could have heard more

Suit to another: I don’t care what they say — once a french maid, always a french maid.

–Rockefeller Center

Suit on cell: If it wasn’t for goat’s milk I don’t know how I would’ve made it through college.

–45th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: y2jon

Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals

20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!

–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?

Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!

–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"

Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Kevp

Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.

–Museum of Natural History

Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!

–14th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stella

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once.

–Boerum Hill

Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia…

–19th between 5th & 6th

Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?”

–NYU Brittany Hall elevator

Overheard by: Andrei Alupului

Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department…

–H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised.

–Juilliard cafeteria

Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…”

–Union Pool, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joe

Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont…

–N train

Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!

–13th & 4th

Infernal Wednesday One-Liners

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.

–Brooklyn-bound C train

Overheard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Central

Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rob

Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!

–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre

Overheard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!

–Hunter College High

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