Woman: I’d like a latte with percent milk.
Barista: Percent? You mean “two percent”?
Woman: No, just regular percent milk.
Barista: (…)
Woman, condescendingly: There’s whole milk, and there’s skim milk, and then in-between, there’s percent milk. Got it?
Barista: You’re gettin two percent. I hope that works for you.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Carol
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA?
Patient older brother: No.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA.
Patient older brother: Stop it.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA!
–22nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Flynn
Male physics teacher (with accent): Does anybody know what induction is?
Female student: I know!
Male physics teacher (with accent): What is it?
Female student: No touchy-touchy!
Male physics teacher (with accent): Exactly!
–Stuyvesant High School
Drunk girl: That sucks that Souljah Boy is getting sued. His song is really good.
Drunk guy: Are you serious? Do you know what “Superman” means?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it means you ejaculate on someone’s back and stick the bed sheet to it. Like a Superman cape.
Drunk guy: Ok, but do you know what “Spiderman” means?
Drunk girl: No.
Drunk guy: It means you cum in your hand and throw it at the chick in a big blob!
Drunk girl: Ewww, like Nickelodeon Gak!
–House Party, Bronx
Overheard by: Sromeo
Little boy: Is it garbage or is it presents? Is it garbage or is it presents?
Mom: If you aren’t quiet, whatever is in the bags now will be garbage.
Little boy: [Silence.]Mom: Uh huh… That’s called logic.
–Park Slope, Brooklyn
Girl: But my gynecologist loves my vagina! She says it’s very tan!
Guy: Yeah… tan and leathery.
–New Amsterdam Theatre
Male suit: Ugh! What is that smell?
Female suit: It’s from the nut guy.
Male suit: Who?
Female suit: The nut guy. He’s over there selling warm, roasted nuts. He’s nuts for nuts!
Male suit: Oh. Man, it’s freezing out here! I wish someone would roast my nuts!
Female suit: Don’t be gross! There’s kids around!
Male suit: Yeah, what’s up with all these kids? What is up with 5th avenue?
Female suit: I think it’s a school trip. They’re here to see the tree.
Male suit: That’s fucking dumb! Their asses need to be in school!
Female suit: Wow, you’re unpleasant!
Male suit: Screw you! You’re nuts for my nuts!
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Juan Chung
Mother pleading with squirmy four-year-old son in tight jacket: Just keep it on for the time being.
Son: I hate the time being.
–Christmas Mass, St Patrick’s
Sex ed volunteer: Now if you put the condom on the wrong way, do not, I repeat, do not turn it inside out and put it on. Because we all know what gets on the tip.
Male student: Penis juice!
Sex ed volunteer: Did you just say “penis juice”?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Withnail
Guy on cell: Dude, the girl is hot. We kissed a little last night, but I just wanna make out with her. I just wanna make out with her all night long. [Pause.] Yeah, I said make out.
–73rd & 1st
Overheard by: Missy
Overweight hipster girl with lisp: I’m the make-out masta.
–NYU Hayden Hall
Overheard by: The Doctor
Balding frat guy to girlfriend: Dude, open your eyes a little bit when we make out so it’s not like I’m raping you.
–C Train
Overheard by: I hate when that happens, too
Drunk girl: …so they ended up making out in a port-a-potty.
–Spring & Lafayette
College girl on cell: Don’t move in with him, just make out with people!
–Starbucks, West 43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: good advice
