Those Who Can’t Do, Wednesday One-Liner

English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we’re clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.

–Stuyvesant High School

Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I’m just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) …Aren’t we all?

–Hunter College High School

Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow–maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.

–Hunter College High School

Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!

–PS 234

Overheard by: sjhaughty

English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college…

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I’ll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he’ll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Posted on June 25, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Education, Fast Times at New York High, Fears, Hunter, Kids, Questions, Science, Shopping, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness, Words

It Was the Maple Syrup That Pushed Josh Over the Edge

Dad, to four-year-old son: That’s great, send you off to school all jacked-up on chocolate chip pancakes.
Four-year-old: Jack up! Jack up! Jack off!

–SoHo Breakfast Cafe

Overheard by: dylan

Posted on June 24, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Food, Kids, Masturbation, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Soho, Words

That Was 40K a Year Well-Spent

Guy on microphone, chanting: NYU! NYU!
Girl: What are they spelling?

–NYU Grad Alley

Overheard by: Proud to not be an NYU student

Posted on June 24, 2008
Default, Girls, Guys, Idiots, NYU, Questions, Stupidity, Words

The Spice Girls Finally Spell It All Out

Way too loud girl: I mean, if you want my poontang you gotta get my friends drunk too!
Friends: Word!

–6th Ave & Grand St

Posted on June 22, 2008
Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Offers and requests, Sexuality, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

I Thought I Was Rocking Your World

Woman: I don’t think you’re supposed to eat things that are inflamed.
Man (with wide-eyed horror): It was… inflamed?

–Starbucks, Times Square

Posted on June 21, 2008
Advice, Default, Food, Men, Questions, Starbucks, Times Square, Women, Words

But Still Well Above the National Average

Male cashier: “WI”? Which state is “WI”?
Female cashier: West Indies?
Male cashier: Okay. That makes sense.
Female cashier: No, wait, is it Wisconsin? Ha, it’s totally Wisconsin.
Male cashier: Who cares, they’re both really far away. Isn’t Wisconsin on, like, the other side of the world?
Female cashier: No, dummy, Wisconsin is in this country.
Male cashier: Oh. I was never good at geography.

–Met Foods, Prospect Heights

Posted on June 20, 2008
Brooklyn, Cashiers, Coworkers, Default, Education, Global Geography, Grocery Stores, Men, Questions, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Women, Words

And I Thought I Was So Socially-Conscious When I Stopped Using “Blackie”

Blonde: So I started calling my students “nizzle”.
Brunette: “Nizzle” means “nigger”.
Blonde: Oh. My. God.

–A Train

Posted on June 19, 2008
Default, Education, Etiquette, Girls, On the Subway, Race, Teachers/Professors, Words

The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right

Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that… You are gettin’ too comfortable in this store.

–Grocery Store

Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!

–Soho

Overheard by: Lara

Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?

–Starbucks, Manhattan Mall

Young female customer service rep to another: I’m not sayin’…, I’m just sayin’…, you know what I’m sayin’.

–Macy’s Customer Service

Overheard by: Richard Downey

Daffy’s employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don’t even know why I’m askin’ you. You a customer. I don’t even care.

–Daffy’s, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn

Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson

Posted on June 18, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Coworkers, Depressed, Etiquette, Grocery Stores, Happiness, Offers and requests, Questions, Soho, Starbucks, Store, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Idolized Wednesday Addams Growing Up

Creepy-looking, middle aged goth guy, yelling: He dances with the denizens of the underworld! [Turns to his female companion.] What was his webpage again?

–7th b/w 1st & 2nd

Goth chick: Yea, my mom cried while my dad chased me around with sandpaper.

–Pratt Campus

Overheard by: Late-Night Passerby

Goth girl to friend: I can’t wait until you’re addicted to sex.

–Queens

Goth girl talking loudly to goth friend: It just sucks that everyone is such a toolbag. Like everyone. That guy right there. Toolbag. You. Toolbag. Everyone is just a toolbag. Like seven out of ten people are just tools.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

Annoyed goth chick to friend: …so it looks like I’m going to be whipping some yuppies in a dungeon again.

–Bedford Ave & 3rd

Overheard by: yuppie45