Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You know I can't come over, I'm a daddy now! I have a dog! He needs me 24/7. I can't leave his sight, not even for a second! I'm just out for a moment to buy him some food, but other than that…

–Crosstown Bus

Souvenir seller: Get your doggy diary! Get your puppy program! Get your beagle bible! Get your bulldog blog!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Man at payphone: They tried to catch the hero dog, but he ran away.

–107 & West End

Overheard by: kdub

Half tone-deaf guy with guitar, singing: I'll marry you for your Green card, but I'll sleep with your sister cause she's prettier than you. She's 75 years old, never been touched by a man, let alone a dog…

–1 Train

Overheard by: CreateEvity

Man leaning out of car, to man walking Schnauzer: Excuse me…that's a Marmaduke?

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff S.

Woman on cell: If I don't get a dog soon I'm totally going to get pregnant.

–Wall Street

Posted on April 1, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Food, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Internet, Madison Square Garden, Man's Best Friend, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Singing, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Time, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

And I Told You Not to Wear All Brown

Little kid to passerby: Poop! Bye bye, poopie!
Obnoxious girl, stopping in middle of street and glaring at kid: Did she just call me a poop? What the hell!
Girl's friend: “Poopie,” not poop.

–Little Italy

Posted on March 31, 2009
Friends, Girls, Insults, Kids, Little Italy, Poop, Should've Used a Condom, Words

Starbucks Needs a Numbered Menu– Just Sayin'

Customer: I'll have a skim cafe au lait.
Barista: We call it a “cafe misto” here.
Cashier: Yeah, I think “cafe au lait” is Italian.

–Starbucks

Posted on March 30, 2009
Baristas, Coffee, Customers, Languages, Starbucks, Stupidity, Words

That's Why We're Here

Student, reading incorrectly from The Scarlet Letter: “Gorgeous luxuriance of fantasy…”
English teacher: “Fancy.”
Student: “Fancy.” I can't read.
English teacher: I know.

–English Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on March 29, 2009
Books & Writing, Bronx Science, Comebacks, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, Words

Can I Feed Them Something Sharp?

Mom: You have to start feeding your birds, honey.
Little girl: I don't want to.
Mom: It's called “responsibility”, you need…
Little girl, interrupting: I don't like birds!

–27th St

Posted on March 29, 2009
Birds, Food, Gripes, Kids, Moms, Street, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One-Liners for “White Harlem”

Columbia freshman: Mwahaha…I love contextual references.

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: not studying…

Guy to friends: God, why doesn't Columbia have a freakin' umbrella over it?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: dripping wet

Columbia student to another: I didn't mean to get drunk last night, but I stopped by a liquor store on the way home.

–Columbia University

Columbia student to friend: Do you want to go frolic in Westside Market?

–110th & Broadway

Female Columbia student to male Columbia student, smacking him with foam covered bat: Sometimes I feel like we belong in a state school.

–Columbia Dorm

Posted on March 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Friends, Guys, Laughter, Library, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Shopping, Students, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Why Are We Even Talking When We Could Be Texting?

NYU girl #1: That's super cas.
NYU girl #2: That's a super abrev.

–Lafayette Residence Hall

Posted on March 22, 2009
Residence halls, Sorority Girls, Weirdness, Words

Is This Political Science, Sir?

Physics teacher: So the formula for work is w = fd, or force times displacement.
Student #1: How are we supposed to remember that?
Student #2: “Fd”–“first dog”! Like Obama!
Student #3: W = fd, White House's first dog!

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on March 21, 2009
President, Questions, Race, School and studying, Science, Students, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pelving Thrusting in Your Direction

Woman to friend: I woke up, and he was fucking my ear! Fucking my ear! Fuck. Ing. My. Ear!

–Walker & Canal

Overheard by: office peon

Girl on cell: So yeah, he just kinda turned to her, handed her some napkins and told her to prepare herself for a good fingering.

–New Jersey Transit

Girl in school hallway: Nasty little tenth graders having sex in the stairwells…

–Bard High School Early College

Guy to another: There's only three things people need in this world. Sex. Food. (pause) Yeah, okay, that's it.

–125th & Lexington

Student #1: (makes elaborate point with with ample hand gesticulation)
Student #2: Oh wow. You just made love to me with words.

–113th & Broadway

Crazy lady: Santa ain't comin' to Brooklyn! And I'll be drunk tomorrow, don't you ring my bell! (gets off train and leaves bag. 20-something guy gives it to her) Have we had sex before!? We should have sex! I like you! (doors start closing) We should really have sex!

–C Train

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chinatown, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Ew, Jersey, Food, Foreplay, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Public Transportation, School and studying, Sex, Street, Students, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

What Vision Quests Are Like in New Jersey

Jersey skank #1: And I had to go to this bar, Big Sleazy, all by myself!
Jersey skank #2: Big Sleazy all by yourself?

–55th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Syddles

Posted on March 16, 2009
B & T, Biotechs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Weirdness, Words

Words