9 to 5-ers

Wednesday One-Liner Get Paid Under the Table

Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.

–Tartine, West Village

Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?

–Canal St

Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.

–33rd St &3rd Ave

Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Sam Fez

Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!

–6 Train

Overheard by: fresca

Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.

–Broadway

Is That a Euphemism for “Condoms”?

Guy, running into store: Yo, you guys got baby hats?
Store guy (baffled, in thick accent): Baby hats?
Guy: Baby hats. Baby hats!
Store guy: No, we don't carry those.
Guy (appalled): Shit! You don't got no baby hats?

–99 Cent Store, Fort Greene

Overheard by: toto

Wednesday One-Liners Get Physical, Physical

Guy on cell: But baby, it's a full body workout, depending on the position.

–Pratt Campus

Jogger on phone: I gotta stay in shape, you know? I'm not getting any younger. Even though the guys I graduated with look worse than I do.

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: wantsoutof_bklyn

Older lady to young male athletic facility employee: Do you have big balls? Exercise balls? I want bigger balls than you have there.

–NYU Palladium Athletic Facility, 140 E 14th St

Overheard by: JohnB

Large smoking man with burrito and Margarita: I can never work out, I'm too drunk all the time!

–Blockheads

Overheard by: how do you live?

Sassy black lady: Daaaamn! You're making me walk all the way to 45th Street?

–42nd St

Large Latina on cell: So I grabbed the baby and said "Kali! She likes this!" and started doing squats.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Russel

New Yorkers Are Beginning to Understand How People in Other Countries Feel About Americans

Woman with baby to subway attendant: How do I get to the Empire Trade Center from Canal St?
Friend: Nah, how do we get to where them Twin Towers fell at?

–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

–NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

–L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex

So Many Problems Can Be Solved Just by Caring Less

(girl dressed in gym clothes walks into elevator)
Elevator operator: How was the gym?
Girl: Eh, fine. I wasn't very motivated today.
Elevator operator: That's okay honey, just pop a Xanax.

–Elevator, 15th & 7th

Maybe Gold-Nugget Nipple Rings Were a Poor Choice?

Well-endowed woman: Is this one of those fancy uplift bras?
Salesperson: Yes, ma'am, it is.
Well-endowed woman: All right, but if I get home and my titties still sag I'm gonna be mad at you!

–Victoria's Secret

Remember, Folks, the 8 O'Clock Show Is Completely Different from the 10 O'Clock Show

Passport office worker: Ma'am, you want to ask me a question, you're gonna need to step into the line at this window.
Woman: But I only…
Passport office worker: No buts. You get into this line or I don't talk to you. You don't step away from this window, I call security.
Woman: Fine! Call security!
Passport office worker (grabbing phone): Security, you gonna need to come up and take care of this lady–and oh, she's getting so nasty!
(both laugh)
Passport office worker: So you gettin' ready to go out to lunch?
Woman: Yeah, you want me to pick you up something?

–US Passport Office

Overheard by: Chuckell

Chase Is an Equal-Opportunity Forecloser

African American bank employee: Ma'am, it's not Chase's fault that you had to go to a Citibank at 4 am because there was a homeless man sleeping in the Chase lobby. We cannot refund the $1.50 fee that Citibank charged you.
90-year-old woman: He was Caucasian! Can you believe it?
African American bank employee: Ma'am, even Caucasians can be homeless.

–Chase Bank

Wednesday Ugliners

Employee: I was eatin' with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus…and that's why you're so ugly.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Dazzle

Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don't need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich

Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey…there are just so many ugly white women in Europe…it's got to be something in the water!

–45th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Culturally Challenged

20-something guy on cell: She ain't the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.

–Throop & Macon, Bedford-Stuyvesant

Overheard by: elephantgiraffe

Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don't hang out with them on weekends.

–McCarren Park Pool

Overheard by: I don't hang out with ugly people

Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do."

–W 65th St. & Columbus Ave

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