Advice

Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks

Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don’t want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: 153

Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brodway

Overheard by: Why didn’t I get that pamphlet?!

Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.

–1250 Broadway

Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!

–Waverly & Greene

Professor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet interesting people there!

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: Hopefully not me!

Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don’t you remember the promise you made to god? You’re probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!

–W Train

Overheard by: DR G LUV

Mr. Logic No Longer Tries to Give Advice in Person, Ever Since Ms. Hormones Severed Mr. Johnson

Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you’re wrong. Why don’t you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Trouble

Headline by: JohnnyB

Runners-Up:
· “… You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me.” – KJM
· “…maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn’t Such a Good Idea.” – df
· “It Won’t Do Any Good If She Can’t Actually SEE the Hand Puppet.” – Zenece
· “Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie…” – Lindsey
· “Worst Penis Name, Ever.” – Jim C.
· “You’re 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot” – Rose

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

But I’m the Manager

Middle-aged Mets fan: Every time I come to Shea, the Mets don’t play very well.
Buddy: Yeah. Don’t come no more.

–Shea Stadium

Harlot, 1995-2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers

Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say ‘harlot?’ If someone called me a harlot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Harlot’ sounds beautiful, I’d put it on my resume!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: team jeffrey

Logs of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.

–West Elm furniture, DUMBO

Overheard by: Ashley

The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!

–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway

It’s a Little Service I Run. Here’s My Card

Big black lady: Oh, honey! What’s wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh… It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: … Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he… Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like–
Big black lady: –Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he–
Big black lady: –Because if he did he’ll get an STD and die, don’t you worry.

–115th & Broadway

…But He's My Son.

20-year-old female host: Can I help you with something?
12-year-old boy, staring at her: I just want to admire your body.
20-year-old female host: Excuse me?
12-year-old boy: You have a great body.
20-year-old female host: Ummmm, thanks…
12-year-old boy's friend: If I were you I'd leave, he's creepy.
20-year-old female host: I wish I could.

–Restaurant, Times Square

And by That I Mean, “Why Do You Hate Freedom?”

Guy #1: I told the manager they need to start recycling.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Cuz they don't recycle.
Guy #2: So what!?

–41st & 7th

If You Give Them Too Much Attention, the Terrorists Win

Girlfriend, pointing at the base of a tree: Look! Look! There’s a rat and a squirrel fighting!
Boyfriend: No!
Girlfriend: Yes there is! Look! There’s a fucking rat attacking that squirrel!
Boyfriend: Shhhh. Don’t talk about the rats. Don’t pay attention to them.
Girlfriend, pointing at passerby: Look at her, she saw them! She knows what I’m talking about.
Boyfriend: Ignore the rats.

–Washington Square Park East

A Sociopolitical Justification for Post-Modern Man’s Thirst for Pee?

American grad student: Should I be in a fetish video?
French grad student: What would be the point?
American grad student: What do you mean? It’s a fetish video.
French grad student: But what would be the point? What’s the thesis?

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: The Evil Triangle

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