Blonde tourist (after swiping futilely a few times): How do I swipe this?
New Yorker (looks at card in tourist's hand): That's not a Metrocard, that's your room key.
–E Train
Overheard by: Laura
Blonde tourist (after swiping futilely a few times): How do I swipe this?
New Yorker (looks at card in tourist's hand): That's not a Metrocard, that's your room key.
–E Train
Overheard by: Laura
Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"
–E Train, 42nd St
Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.
–Brooklyn DMV
40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!
–Upper West Side
Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.
–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Michael O’Connor
Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!
–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown
New Yorker #1: I had to tell my kid when she went to college in Boston that nowhere else could compare to New York, to just find the best of where you are.
New Yorker #2: Yeah, I always found Boston to be provincial.
–6 Train
Tourist lady #1: Look Sherry, there’s the tree.
Tourist lady #2: Wow, great! I’m soooo excited. (sees it) That’s it? Looks bigger on TV!
Tourist lady #1: Everything looks bigger on TV. Oprah isn’t really that fat.
Passerby: This ain’t Rockefeller Center ladies, go back to Kansas.
–Bryant Park Tree, 6th Ave & 41st
Overheard by: tonyElev
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to MoMA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look…
Tourist, indignantly interrupting: No, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. You don’t want to answer, you say “I don’t know”. All you New Yorkers are a bunch of cock-sucking assholes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]Bystander to tourist: Where did you learn to do that?
Tourist: The Midwest.
–Outside the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Ehem.
Boy, looking at table full of cheap souvenirs: Hey mom!
Embarrassed mom: No, those are for tourists. We live here!
–Near Trinity Church
Overheard by: amused tourist
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You girls… You girls are visiting the greatest city in the world.
Drunk tourist girls: [giggle.]Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You wanna know why? You wanna know why this is the greatest city in the world?
Drunk tourist girl #1: Why?
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: ‘Cause I can stand right here on the street and ask you to suck my balls.
Drunk girl #1: Um, you can ask us that anywhere.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah… We’re from Wisconsin and people there ask us that all the time.
–Thompson and Bleecker
Overheard by: I guess the Cheeseheads are more brazen than we thought
Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!
–University & 10th St
Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ
Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!
–42nd & Broadway
Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.
–Columbus Circle
Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!
–Metro North Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.
–Canal Street
Overheard by: F Tourists
[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.
–44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Guy with thick New York accent: Come on, let’s go.
[Dog lies down on back.]Guy: Don’t do that Mahatma Gandhi shit!
–Washington Square Dog Run
Overheard by: KidUgly
Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You’re on a fucking island.
–9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Elan
Headline by: Jess
Runners-Up:
· “”Oh, Sorry. I’m Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) ‘Duh Fuckin’ River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit’…”” – Mike Chmiel
· “And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song” – cbeck
· “Generic Tourist ‘To Do’ List: “Get Insulted by New Yorker: – Check!” – Bassmanbish
· “Shit…Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?” – lisa
· “The Map Crisis in America Doesn’t Just Apply to Beauty Pageants” – Erin
