Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)

Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: ianbobian

Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I'm like "you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!"

–60th St & Broadway

Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you're going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Really!?!?

Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you're done entertaining the fake Jews.

–Cafe, Church & Walker

Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I'd have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know?

–Hester & Mott

Overheard by: Jensel

Posted on July 21, 2022
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Cars and Driving, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Fakes, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Judaism, Lies, Medicine, On Cell, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Stupidity, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weapons, Weirdness, Women

I’d Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner

Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!

–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center

Overheard by: G-Lime

A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.

–Forham University

Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!

–A Train

Overheard by: Don

Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.

–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem

Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.

–1250 Broadway

Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!

–44th & Lexington

Posted on July 18, 2022
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Disabilities, Fordham, Friends, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Students, Suits, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Dad Did All the Crying

Nine-year-old girl #1: My mom says that she was in so much pain giving birth to me that they had to give her surgery. My head was too big.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Your head is not big!
Nine-year-old girl #1: Yeah, but when I was a baby it was huge.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Weird. Did you have some sort of disease?
Nine-year-old girl #1: No, but when I came out I wasn't crying, I was twirling my hair.

–Mannes College of Music

Posted on July 2, 2022
Body Parts, Crying, Hair, Height, Kids, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School, Surgery

They Shoot Ponies, Don’t They?

Guy: You kicked me like a pony in the neck! Now I’m going to be slow for my entire life. You kicked me in the cerebellum!
Chick: That’s not where your cerebellum is.

–Eugene O’Neill Theater

Overheard by: Nicole Thompson

Posted on July 1, 2022
Body Parts, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Theater

These Kids And Their Crazy Slang

Little punk rock guy to tall hipster guy, sarcastically: Nice beard.
Tall hipster guy: Yeah, you want me to smash your face!
Little punk rock guy: Shit nigga, now I wish I had a beard to absorb that shit.

–Union Pool Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: lil pirate

Posted on June 30, 2022
Body Parts, Brooklyn, Fashion, Hipsters, Violence, Williamsburg

Jeez, Who Wouldn't Want Devastating Vortices?

Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I need to blend this. I wish I had blenders for hands.
Serious friend: Some people would want to be able to fly or read minds… I guess that's a pretty good super power too.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I'd used my blender hands to stir up the air and fly, like helicopter propellers.
Serious friend: Come on, think about the physics of that. If anything, you'd just create two devastating vortices on either side of you and suck everybody in. No flying.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: If we're already asking for blender hands, I think a minor change in the laws of physics would be workable.
Serious friend: True. (spins hands like blender-propellers)

–6 Train

Overheard by: Lynne

Posted on June 30, 2022
Body Parts, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, On the Subway, Science, Teens, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I’m Sure He Has Just the Job for Her

Black guy #1: She’s beautiful. Somewhere between Faith Evans and Beyonce.
Black guy #2: Faith Evans? That don’t sound beautiful.
Black guy #1: Well you know, shape of the face is like Faith, and she’s got that hair and skin like Beyonce. But she’s really smaller than Faith. Her body is amazing. She’s Caribbean.
Black guy #2: Oh. Yes. Caribbean. They do good work.
Black guy #1: Mm-hmm. They do good work all right. Good work!

–Madison Square Park

Posted on June 26, 2022
About Celebrities, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Global Geography, Madison Square Garden, Men, Music, Talking/Convos

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?

–Lexington Ave & 58th

Girl to friend: No, I can't do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.

–3rd Ave & 80th St

Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!

–Sephora, 57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Amanda

Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you're doing your nails? Mmmmmm…

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: Thompson

Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I'm going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired…I had a butch.

–Elevator, Macy's

Overheard by: K Melv

Thug: All I want is a mani-pedi.

–72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: wb

Posted on June 14, 2022
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Body Parts, Creepsters, Customers, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Hobos, Makeup, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Promiscuity, Sex, Store, Street, The Village, Thugs, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Old Ladies Tug on Them Repeatedly?

Patient: My breasts look like slot machines!

–NY Presbyterian Hospital, 61st & York

Overheard by: Johnny Drama

Posted on June 11, 2022
Body Parts, Hospitals, Rack, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Women

And That’s Why We Have the Rule

Little girl: Can I have a job here?
Clerk: How old are you?
Little girl: Nine.
Clerk: Well, you have to be at least 14 to work at the library.
Little girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a big head!

–Queens Library

Posted on June 5, 2022
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Clerks, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Library

Body Parts