Brooklyn

A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners

Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?

–Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike H

Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.

–Bard High School Early College

Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!

–N Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Man on cell: Oh… Oh shit… Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: marge

Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!

–Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Sniff, Sniff. It Stinks of Bitch Up in Here

Chick #1: One of my earphones on my iPod is completely busted.
Chick #2: Why? Do you listen to it really loud?
Chick #1: Yeah, on the subway. I try to drown out the noise.
Chick #2: I wish they made iPods for the nose so you could drown out the smell.

–Life Cafe Nine 83, Bushwick

Overheard by: Courtney C

We Knew It Would Happen When Dick Came Out

Stoner #1: You know how there’s these milestones in movies, like the first movie to show a tit, the first one to show a dick, the first one to show someone pinching a loaf?
Stoner #2: Yeah…
Stoner #1: I wonder when there’ll be the first movie with the word ‘fuck’ in the title. Think we’ll live to see it?
Stoner #2, after long pause: Not counting porn?
Stoner #1: Of course.
Stoner #2: Yeah.
Stoner #1: So, you think we’ll live to see it?
Stoner #2: Porn?
Stoner #1: No. ‘Fuck.’ In the title.
Stoner #2: Hope so.

–B41 bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Ohhh, Then I Finally Understand Your AIM Screenname.

Hardcore guy #1, after receiving text: Oh, he says he's out chilling with his sister at Union Pool. (pause) I should go over there and fuck her!
Hardcore guy #2: What?
Hardcore guy #1: Whatever! I'm a sister fucker!

–Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Me Too.

Wednesday One-Liner Cheney

NYU frat boy to another: Remember that time you popped that zit on my dick?!

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Overheard by: lezbotron

Older suit to younger suit: If you want people to move out of your way you just gotta say shit like: pussy, dick, cunt! (people move out of the way) See?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brad

Thug to another, exiting a deli: The Salvation Army can suck my dick.

–Stanton & Ludlow

Overheard by: CN

Girl wearing hijab: That depends on whose dick it is!

–Hunter College, 68th & Lexington

Overheard by: off white

He Already Got A ‘Jeter Swallows’ Shirt From the Sam Adams Brewery

Tour guide, holding up t-shirt: Brooklyn is a Vienna-style lager. I’m giving away a t-shirt to the first person who can name another Vienna-style lager that is brewed in the U.S.
Guy in Red Sox hat: Sam Adams!
Tour guide: Very good. And I would give this t-shirt to you, except that you’re a Boston fan. Better luck next time. [Continues tour.]

–Brooklyn Brewery, 11th St, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-liners Take Home Ec

Man on pay phone: Naw, naw! You gotta tell him! We ain’t down with the broomstick!

–4th Street & 7th Avenue

Overheard by: Earl Holloway

Overheard in the Headlines: The Blizzard of ’06

Guy: Here’s to 5 inches or less!
Girl: …I really could take that the wrong way.
Guy: I’m talking about the storm!

–Whiskey River, 2nd Avenue

The Demographic for Derek Jeter's Cologne Slowly Reveals Itself

Guy #1: I didn't know people in Brooklyn wear Yankees caps.
Guy #2: Since when do you care about baseball?
Guy #1: I like to watch baseball when it's on.
Guy #2: When is that? After Project Runway?

–Carroll Park

Where There's Smoke, There's Wednesday One-Liner

Guy at ATM to friend: The $60 fast cash button should just be labeled "8th of weed."

–Chase Bank, Astor Place

Probation officer to juvenile: You think you can't get arrested for marijuana? Are you out of your damn mind? You're taking a drug test right now, you out-of-your-damn-mind son!

–Bronx Family Court

Overheard by: Adog

Guy to girlfriend: The more stoned I get, the better you sound.

–72nd St & Broadway

Guy: So then I smoked a goodnight bowl at Chris's.

–E 10th St

Overheard by: What about a good morning bowl?

20-something to friend: I'll save the world second, but I'll get high first.

–Houston & Essex

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