Cops

Wednesday One-Liners for Steve Guttenberg

Tall, broad cop speaking loudly and very slowly to disabled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an accident.

–Ramp to pedestrian lane of Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Audrey

Traffic cop with megaphone: I never drove one of these things before!

–34th & Broadway

Guy: So, they found him sleeping in the dumpster again so they reported it to his commanding officer. And he’s like, ‘Why is is this officer sleeping in a dumpster when he’s supposed to be out on patrol?’

–N train

Overheard by: sara n.

Perky queer: … So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin… Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?

–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

–45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…

–Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!

–NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Are ‘Persons of Interest’

Nu-metal kid: Man, I haven’t been arrested in so long!

–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Barrie

Teen boy commandeering speaker: Next stop: Riker’s Island.

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: Victoria

Black tranny to another: Honey, that’s the worst thing you can be called up in jail!

–Christopher & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Walking away even faster

Ghetto mom on phone: If you report it they’ll have to arrest the both of us.

–Cablevision office, Brooklyn

Middle-aged wankster: Yo, I rubbed ‘Get Money Oil’ on my apron one time, and that week I got fired from fuckin’ three jobs and I got fuckin’ arrested! Don’t fuckin’ mess with witchcraft!

–Coldstone, 6th Avenue

Overheard by: rpk

Old teacher: Teaching tenth grade isn’t so bad. By that time the rotten ones don’t bother to show up or they’re already in jail.

–E train

Overheard by: jobee

White, mid-40s nerd petting dog: You know, I think it’s really funny how a guy can pet a dog and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy in the world, but the second he does it to a stranger on the street, they wanna lock him in jail.

–Marquet Cafe, E 12th St.

Overheard by: Grace

But Now It’s a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico

Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It’s cranberry and…
Cop: Cranberry’s something you eat, son, your car was red.

–L.I.C.

Overheard by: Jatmos

I Thought It Was Ba-Dunk-a-Dunkin’ Donuts

Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.

–Houston & West

Overheard by: Nick Dempsey

I Don’t Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet

Police officer: Crime isn’t going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?

–Brooklyn Family Court

The Police Athletic League Goes Recruiting

Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.

Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands.

One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.

Loudspeaker: Used your hands.

–34th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Think ‘Un’ Is Also a Kind of Faithful

Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she’ll still gimme some. She know that!

–7 train

Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!… You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn

Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Keith

Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that’s over, wanna get back in bed?

–32nd & 7th

Cop: So I’m fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!

–238th & Broadway

Overheard by: Miriam

Even There, They Will Not Be Treated Like Family

Tourist: Yeah, we’re looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Seriously?

This Reasoning Didn’t Stop the Europeans From Displacing the Indians, Though

Girl: But can’t the police seize it if it’s a crime scene?
Logistical genius: If the police could seize a crime scene, no one in Brooklyn would have a house.

–Backyard barbeque, Fort Greene

Overheard by: inge

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