Some Potty Humor, Courtesy of Wednesday One-Liners

Lady suit: Do you think anyone would notice if I just popped a squat and urinated everywhere?

–Port Authority

12-year-old girl: And then… He, like… peed in my mouth. It was kinda gross.

–Eddie’s Sweet Shop

Overheard by: Yorick

Man peeing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Maya G.

Black guy to coworker: What about that golden shower I had the other night?

–NYU Weinstein Dining Hall

Middle-aged convention female attendee: I didn’t know that urinals flushed. Did you know urinals flushed? Who would have thought?

–Javits Convention Center

Overheard by: Hector

Drunk man to embarrassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For real, I did! I was just taking a leak and looked down like: "Oh shit, is that a person?" He looked up on me and said: "Hey, you just peed on me!" And I did! I peed on him! Then I put myself in his shoes like: "What if someone peed on me?" I’d be pissed! That’s some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks.

–A Train

Posted on July 26, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Coworkers, Drunks, Etiquette, Friends, Girls, Guys, Homeless, Kink, Men, Money & Class, NYU, On the Subway, Pee, Poop, Port Authority, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, The Village, Tweens, Weirdness, West Village, Women

That and This Cattle Prod

Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don’t want to get my ass whooped, that’s why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they’re gone! It’s all in the power of positive thinking!

–T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway

Posted on July 23, 2015
Coworkers, Philosophy, Questions, Store, Talking/Convos, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence

Who Says Stuff Like That Except Virgins?

TV guy #1: We're not putting whores on tv.
TV guy #2: Are you a virgin?
TV guy #1: No, this cherry has been popped.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Derek

Posted on July 23, 2015
Coworkers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Private Parts, Questions, Sex, TV, Virginity

So at First I Didn’t Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers

Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.

–1177 6th Ave

Overheard by: red

Posted on July 22, 2015
Beauty, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Gripes, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

Like, to Afghanistan?

Coworker #1: Hey, Times Square just got evacuated because of a bomb threat.
Coworker #2: Damn, I guess I have to head east for lunch.

–42nd St & Madison Ave

Posted on July 20, 2015
Coworkers, Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Terrorism, Threats

Did You Feel As Dirty As I Did When He Said “Tastebud Sensation”?

Old british man, to liquor store employees: Have any of you ever tried this beer?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Nah.
Old british man: Oh, it’s a splendid Belgian stout, very sweet. It’s my absolute favorite variety of Belgian beer. You should try it sometime. It is absolutely divine, a tastebud sensation the likes of which I can guarantee you’ve never known. Well, have a great night, chaps. [Pays for his beer and walks out.]Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Yo, dog, you hear that guy’s accent? You think his accent was real?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: Nah.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: I don’t think so, either.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: It couldn’t have been real. You hear that guy? He ain’t from no foreign country. He spoke perfect English.

–Liquor Store, Manhattan

Overheard by: daile

Posted on July 15, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Brits, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Coworkers, Customers, Drinks, Foreigners, Languages, Manhattan, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Stupidity, Thugs

Been There. True Story.

Cabaret host to singer: So what's your story?
Male singer, pointing to co-host: Well, actually, I made out with this one once.
Male co-host: Oh my god! I was just in back, trying to figure out if I made out with you and if it was appropriate to ask!

–7th & Christopher

Posted on July 14, 2015
Coworkers, Gays and Lesbians, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Musicians, Questions, Weirdness, West Village

That You're a Douchebag?

Store clerk to ice cream delivery guy: So you a Yankee fan? You excited?
Delivery man: Nah, I'm actually a Phillies fan. These last two weeks it's like I'm the only white guy in a KFC, know what I'm sayin'?

–Astoria

Overheard by: Arun

Posted on June 21, 2015
Astoria, Clerks, Coworkers, Jobs & Careers, Questions, Race, Yankees

Man, Ben & Jerry Really Ran Out of Flavors

Salesguy #1: Dude, I think I smell or something…
Salesguy #2: You smell like the robust combination of onions and poop.

–The Puma Store, Broadway & Spring

Overheard by: Jeeps

Posted on June 19, 2015
Coworkers, Food, Manhattan, Poop, Scents of the City, Soho, Store

… With a Demonstration

Editor to sales conference: … And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing — what’s a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I’m sorry. I should have made that clear.

–Office, 55th & Broadway

Posted on June 16, 2015
Coworkers, Office, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Words

Coworkers