Bathroom-bound tech woman: Are you following me? Not that many people follow me at my age.
Tech guy: No. I’m more of the ‘call-is-coming-from-inside-the-house’ kind of guy.

Overheard by: 2catchapredator

Lawyer to another: So, how much do you charge for a malicious wounding?

Charleston, West Virginia

Good Thing Pluto Didn’t Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You’re a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I’m good-looking. You’re-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I’ll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you’re gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex’s dick when you’re supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she’s going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

TSA guy #1: Why aren’t you patting everyone down?
TSA guy #2: That’s what the machines are for.
TSA guy #1: Do you see the machines working?! Do you see anyone walking through the machines?!
TSA guy #2: Oh. Oops. Oh, well, it happens.

Denver International Airport
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Stephanie

Coworker, indignantly: Stop locking up my chuzzles!

Bellingham, Washington

Overheard by: Should be working

Library worker girl: That's a cute bag.
Library worker girl with clear purse: Thanks!
Boss man: But then everyone can see everything you have!
Library worker girl with clear purse: It's not like I got a gun or anything… I can always hide things between the books…
Library worker girl: Like your gun?

Kent State University Library
Kent, Ohio

Coworker, on animal testing: I just can't feel bad for lab rats, cause they're man-made.
Friend: Seriously, dude.

Winter Park, Florida

Overheard by: Cassie

Soccer coach: I love Fiji water.
Assistant: It's silky smooth.
Soccer coach: It's never been touched by human hands until it touches my lips.


Engineer #1: We’re playing my little ponies?!
Engineer #2: Oh, god.
Engineer #1: Dude, we’re gonna fucking kill them! [Laughs maniacally].

Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois

Guy: Yo, Jimmy*! You’re doing a great job!
Jimmy, backing a U-Haul out of a tiny alley: I’m totally drunk!

Overheard by: anonymous