Family Ties

Man: I’m thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife’s grandmother.
Lady: That’s cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don’t think I will. She’s old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.

–E 19th & Park Ave South

Headline by: boyhowdy

Runners-Up:
· “Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex” – Trey Jackson
· “But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing…” – wvs
· “Come to Think Of It, Maybe We’ll Stop Feeding Her, Too.” – Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· “He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live” – Gaijin
· “Man, Fuck Old People.” – RaRa
· “She Can’t Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife’s 14.” – RaRa
· “THAT’S for Pearl Harbor” – Daniel Patterson

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Girl #1: Oh my gosh…identical twins..with man-chins!
Girl #2: Oh! They work at Hooter’s!
Girl #1: What? How did you know?
Girl #2: I noticed them when I went last week. They were all blonde and skinny there but those two definitely tied for most freakish.

–9th & 48th

Overheard by: Diane C.

Woman #1: How are your girls?
Woman #2: They’re good. My four-year-old said something “sucked” the other day -that was fun.

–Crunch Gym, 38th St

Overheard by: Maggie

Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?
20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?
(long pause)
Hyper teenage blonde: No?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say

Frazzled mother to young child: Hurry. Hurry. Look, the monster is going to get you if you don't walk faster!

–Queens Mall

Mother to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chicken, I'll give you a raisin.

–College Point Shopping Center

Overheard by: Yesenia

Mom speaking to son: Sweetie, do I look like a eggbeater?

–Waterside Plaza

Woman on bus to child with large hearing aid: Sit down properly! Are you listening to me?

–M23 Bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Mother to whiny toddler: I can't listen to you anymore! I fear for both of us.

–15th St & University Place

Overheard by: Sarah M.

Asian stoner #1: He was whitish. Wait, no, he was white. He and his brother both smoke pot and his parents do too. They even smoke together some times.
Asian stoner #2: So they, like, smoke together and stuff?
Asian stoner #1: Yeah, it's a good way to save money.

–B6, Brooklyn

Overheard by: laughing to himself

Woman #1: This sweater is 80 dollars?! My grandmother could knit this!
Woman #2: Wow, really?
Woman #1: Well, no, she’s dead… But you know what I mean.

–The Gap

College girl #1: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to go to my uncle’s wedding. It’s his fucking third one!
College girl #2: His third one?
College girl #1: Yes! Why can’t he just go to some deserted island and get married by himself?!
College girl #3: Well, you can’t really get married by yourself.
(pause)
College girl #1: Will you please just be supportive? You know what I mean.

–MetroNorth, Harlem Line

Overheard by: rpk

Little boy: Where are we going, Joseph*?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: I’m your grandpa. If you call me Joseph, I’ll kick your ass.
Little boy: Why?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: It’s about respect.

–9th & 4th station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Glad my grandpas are dead

Four-year-old girl on tricycle: Why don’t you make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Because Daddy made you and your brother, and he thinks he did a pretty good job.
Four-year-old girl: But Mommy, do you want to make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Well, it takes two to tango!
Yuppie father: [Silence.]

–23rd & 8th