And, the Way You Go Through Rabbits, That's a Big Threat

Six-year-old girl to dog (repeatedly): High-five! High-five! High-five!
(dog dodges her and owner ignores her)
Girl's grandmother, excitedly: I just know, in my heart of hearts, she's going to be a veterinarian when she grows up. She just loves animals so much! Even our little rabbits she carries around…I just know she's going to be a veterinarian!
(dog's owner goes to counter to check out)
Grandmother: Okay, honey, it's time to let the man check out. Let's go.
Girl, leaving dog: High-five! High-five! High-five! (passes gum ball machine) Oooh, gum ball! (begins putting money in)
Grandmother: If you put money in there, I'll never get you anything ever again.

–Blockbuster, Flatbush & 8th Ave

Overheard by: smoon

Posted on December 23, 2014
Animals & Nature, Families, Family Ties, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Money & Class, Store

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once.

–Boerum Hill

Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia…

–19th between 5th & 6th

Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?”

–NYU Brittany Hall elevator

Overheard by: Andrei Alupului

Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department…

–H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised.

–Juilliard cafeteria

Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…”

–Union Pool, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joe

Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont…

–N train

Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!

–13th & 4th

Posted on December 20, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Family Ties, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Don't Worry– In a Totally Sexual Way, Of Course.

Guy, showing friend family photos: This is me and my brother.
Friend: It's just the two of you? No sister?
Guy: Nah, man! If I had a sister, I'd smack her!

–1 Train

Overheard by: please don't smack me

Posted on December 20, 2014
Family Ties, Friends, Guys, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, On the Subway, Pictures, Questions

And Our Family Business Is Prostitution

Girl #1: She's a stupid skanky whore!
Girl #2: Yeah, but she's family.

–Union Square

Posted on December 20, 2014
Default, Family Ties, Girls, Insults, Union Square and East Village

Which Is Impossible Since We Never Touch Each Other… TMI?

New School girl #1: Hey! I love your dress.
New School girl #2: Thanks! I just got it.
Friendly professor: My wife has a dress just like that. When my mother saw her, she thought she was pregnant.

–New School

Posted on December 18, 2014
Clothing, Compliments, Default, Family Ties, Girls, New School, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Hope You’re Not a Cop

Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.

–5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nerd

Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do… You… Take… Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!

–Milford Hotel

Overheard by: not an asian call girl

Guy: I’m a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!

–Central Park

Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig’s list. Shit, there’s like 5,000 hookers on Craig’s list. I love that shit.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: who knew?

Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?

–39th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Asian girl to friend: As long as I’m slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!

–22nd & 9th

Overheard by: Kate

Posted on December 18, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brooklyn, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compliments, Family Ties, Fordham, Friends, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Happiness, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Language Barrier, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Orgy, Prostitution, Questions, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Do Much About the Adam's Apple

Brooklyn grandmother to another: My grandson is so different now that he's become a woman.

–4 Train

Middle aged man in binoculars on cell: Yeah! And just like that she threw me out! She kicked me out on my ass! She walked in and I was in her bra… and that was it!

–87th & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: GoneWithThe

Small black guy: Of course I'm a transvestite! Why else do you think it took you three guys to beat me up?

–W 36th St

Overheard by: Ellen

Twink to others: Sometimes you think a little boy is a child and then he turns out to be a much older woman.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Urch

Attractive blonde: And then the… transvestite beauty queen thing happened. You know?

–Middagh & Henry

Overheard by: Matty

Posted on December 18, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Black People, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Men, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Sexuality, Trannies, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

And Her Sisters, While You’re at It

Black guy #1: No son, you’re cousins by marriage. It’s not blood, so it’s like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?

–F train

Overheard by: pearlywhirly

Posted on December 17, 2014
Black People, Creepsters, Family Ties, Guys, On the Subway, Questions, Sex

Sing in Hebrew, Sweetie.

Loud Jewish grandmother: Nobody ever wants to come here to celebrate the holidays.
Louder Jewish son: What are you talking about, ma? We're all here!
(family sits in silence around table)
11-year-old granddaughter, softly singing: When you wish upon a star… Makes no difference who you are.

–Queens

Overheard by: S

Posted on December 16, 2014
Celebrations/Parties, Families, Family Ties, Jewish Moms, Jews, Queens, Singing, Wishes & desires

…Wanna Get a Hotel Room After This?

Smashed male Yankees fan: Yeah, I am married. So what's the problem with your life?
Equally hammered female Yankees fan: I don't swallow, and I have two twenty-year-old twin boys.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Jabroni

Posted on December 15, 2014
Family Ties, Friends, Kids, Marriage, Parents, Questions, Trains Not Subway

Family Ties