Euchre partner #1: Dude! I saved your ass on that hand.
Euchre partner #2: Yes -and thank you for being Jesus for my anus.
–Euchre Club of Queens
Euchre partner #1: Dude! I saved your ass on that hand.
Euchre partner #2: Yes -and thank you for being Jesus for my anus.
–Euchre Club of Queens
Girl to friend: (smiling) I am so happy to have gone to the spa!
Angry preacher passing by: (screaming) You are all going to hell!
Girl to friend: (no longer smiling) I didn’t need to hear that.
–Port Authority
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?
–5th Ave
Overheard by: John-Boy
Man to friend: Ya know I’ve touched both your dick and your brother’s dick… and his is much bigger.
–44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: bigstoopit
20-something guy: I’ve just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.
–1 Train
Overheard by: drew
Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter’s dick in my mouth. I didn’t see it, I don’t even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it’s not important!
–Greenwich Ave
Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I’d suck the Jolly Green Giant’s dick, I don’t care if it did break my jaw.
–MacDougal St
Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.
–House Party, Lorimer St
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they’re all called Renae.
–Central Park
Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn’t one of them.
–90th & 1st
Overheard by: Sam
Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.
–Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown
Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.
–B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.
–42nd St
Thin hipster: Man, 2pac is so fucking awesome.
Thinner hipster: Yeah, I guess. Dead role models don’t do much for youth.
Thin hipster: What about Jesus, man?
Thinner hipster: Forgot about him. Whoops.
–D Train
13-year-old girl: Oh my god, you and Isabel have a new inside joke?
Friend: Oh my god, you check my Facebook wall like everyday, don’t you?
13-year-old girl: Yeah, I do. Didn’t you see that I sent you a new bumper sticker? It says “I respect your sluttiness.”
–Darkened Bathroom, Bat Mitzvah Party
Homeless guy: Fuck Gary Cicbdman!
Dude #1: Did he just say Gary Oldman or Gary Coleman?
Dude #2: Does it matter? Either way he’s fucking nuts.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: brad
Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don’t know that.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Two Fingaz
Dude: You’re starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad’s video.
–Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Latina teenager to friend: I don’t know why we can’t be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let’s have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!
–Rush Hour, L Train
Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I’ve got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
–32nd & 6th
Overheard by: sromeo
Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn’t even call up to find out if I was dead."
–126th & Lenox
Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.
–34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Rent Controlled
Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don’t understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.
–6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope
Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
–Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.
–W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
–Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
–Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.
–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
–Port Washington Train
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I have a problem keeping my fingers out of my vagina.
Guy friend (to her back): Wow. You have never been hotter.
–Madison Square Garden
