Wednesdays Wonder How Much Their One-Liners Would Bring on the Open Market

Serious 40-something man to five-year-old girl: So why do I always have to be the one to buy dinner?

–8th Ave & 44th St

Overheard by: Dean

Mother to toddler: Why you always gotta sing Barney? Always Barney! You are so annoying! I'm sick of Barney.

–1 Train

Middle-aged Jewish man to eleven-year-old girl: But I don't think you have to worry about that, Talia, because there are very few Zoroastrians around these days.

–93rd & Broadway

Ghetto father making out with ghetto girl, to two-year-old tugging at his jeans: Nigga, stop cock-blockin me!

–Fordham Road

Overheard by: Laura

Angry mom to eight-year-old son: When I find that brick, you're in big trouble!

–Kane St & Clinton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Phycobilins

Emphatic mom to child holding her hand: You've gotta hold my hand! I'm forty-six years old and I still hold my mommy's hand! I'm forty-six years old! So you've gotta hold my hand!

–50th & 9th

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Posted on November 26, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dads, Family Ties, Food, Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Jews, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Religion, Sex, Street, The Bronx, Threats, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

SpongeBob and Patrick Often Squabble

Deep-voiced man: Hey, yo, SpongeBob…
Whiny-voiced woman across street: What?
Deep-voiced man: SpongeBob Squarepants…
Whiny-voiced woman: What?
Deep-voiced man: Why you got a square butt?
Whiny-voiced woman: What you said?
Deep-voiced man: Why you got a square butt, SpongeBob?
Whiny-voiced woman: Shut up!
Deep-voiced man: Haha. SpongeBob Squarepants…
Whiny-voiced woman: Shut up! [Continues for ten minutes.]

–Myrtle & Carlton

Overheard by: Myrtle Resident

Posted on November 26, 2014
Ass, Creepsters, Default, Gripes, Men, Soho, Strangers, TV, Weirdness, Women

Well, We Do Live in Queens

Man: Oh, no! This is a crisis!
Woman: No life?

–Cereal aisle, Key Foods, Forest Hills

Posted on November 26, 2014
Comebacks, Default, Gripes, Grocery Stores, Men, Women

How Was Your First Day of School, New York?

Guy: What were you doing studying on the first fucking day of school? You didn’t even have your books yet. What the fuck were you studying? Studying nothing.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Dad: Two more pairs? What do you have now, like, 19 pairs?
Daughter: But these are different.
Dad: Fine, but this must be all you need then, right? We won’t have to do anymore shopping for the whole school year, right?
Daughter: Well, I’m not sure about that. I may need some later.
Dad: Why? You only have one butt!

–Marshall’s, Atlantic Avenue Mall

Overheard by: Jake Abraham

Posted on November 14, 2014
Ass, Books & Writing, Clothing, Education, Gripes, Questions, Shopping, Talking/Convos, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Barkeep, Some Wednesday One-Liners, Please!

Scruffy guy: Maybe you’re allergic to kangaroo milk.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Elaina

Hipster dude on cell: Dude, what the fuck? Everywhere I go in your city there’s, like, no eggnog.

–Mercer St

Overheard by: omar

Street sock vendor to another: This country’s immigration problems could all be solved if they just stopped selling Corona.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Cameron Rose

Crazy guy: Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some fuckin’ water! Dumb bitch forgot the fuckin’ water. Go back up that hill, bitch, and get me my fuckin’ water!

–C train

Overheard by: Chrissy

Thug to wife: Yo, this nigga don’t trust nothin’ ‘less it has an umbrella stickin’ out of it. That’s gangsta!

–Atlantic Station Pathmark

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on November 12, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Insults, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers

So They Could Fail Her?

Male lawyer #1: I need to get laid. All these cases, I don’t even have time to masturbate!
Male lawyer #2: No time to masturbate? That’s harsh.
Male lawyer #1: It’s sad — all I can think of is sex, and I hate that stereotype about male lawyers, that we’re all some sort of horn dogs. [Pauses and sees female lawyer] God, I wanna fuck her.
Male lawyer #2: Dude, everyone does. All the guys wish her pussy was the bar exam.

–Bronx Small Claims Court

Overheard by: Tydestra

Posted on November 9, 2014
Gripes, Lawyers, The Bronx

Don’t We All, Buddy

New Indian cashier: I don’t have any change. How do I get more change?
Old Indian cashier: Call on the intercom for the manager to come to the front.
New Indian cashier, over intercom: Manager to the front, please. I need change, please. I badly need change.

–Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway

Posted on November 5, 2014
Cashiers, Duane Reade, Gripes

It’s Not Your Brains They Want to Eat

Tween boy #1: Man, I don’t like your school.
Tween boy #2: I know. They’re all like Rob Zombie there, but none of them are zombies — they’re all gay.

–C train

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Posted on November 3, 2014
Boys, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Gripes, On the Subway, School and studying, Tweens, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

I'm All, “Haven't We Covered That, Ally McBeenthere?”

Lady: I hate it when lawyers ask the same questions twice.
Clerk: Yeah, I know.
Lady: No matter how you rephrase it, the answer is still the same.
Clerk, laughing: Yeah.
Lady: I tell you: book smart, a little dense.

–Court Building, Centre St

Posted on November 2, 2014
Clerks, Gripes, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

I Think They Were Talking About Hearing Aids

Teen girl #1: I hated those guys sitting behind us. I just wanted to bash their heads in!
Teen girl #2: What? The HIV people?
Teen girl #1: Wait…what?

–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television

Posted on October 31, 2014
AIDS, Gripes, More museums, Questions, Teens, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Gripes