Guys

The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues

Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?

–110th & Amsterdam

Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.

–NYU

Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.

–Archbold Theater

Overheard by: nice

Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?

–55th St & 8th

By “Picture” I Mean “Life-Sized Doll” and By “Wall” I Mean “Bed”

Guy: Hey, this might sound creepy but I have a picture of you on my wall.
Jon Stewart: That is creepy. Do you live in a comedy club?

–Cupcake Cafe, 18th & 26th

You're on Park Avenue, Motherfucker!

Guy walking St. Bernard: Watch where you swing that fucking cigarette!
Young hipster: Upscale yuppie!
Guy: You say that like it's a bad thing.

–18th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Class Warmonger

Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

But It Was a Condition of Going on Elimidate

Young guy: Well, I called her a ho, but I didn't mean it.
Young girl: But she was your date!

–14th St & 7th Ave

Where God Would Live If He Had Money

Conspicuously buffed guy #1: Yeah, we could all be roommates!
Conspicuously buffed guy #2: Yeah!
Super hip woman, pushing expensive stroller: Yeah! (to baby in stroller) Can you say loft? Loft?

–W Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Spoken Like Someone Who’s Never Shopped at H&M

Teen girl: She said money don’t grow on trees but yeah it do. Money made of paper, paper made from trees.
20-something-guy: Actually, US currency is printed on cotton.
Teen boy: Cotton?
20-something-guy: Yeah, they use denim, like jeans.
Teen girl: My jeans don’t be rippin like money, they using some low grade shit.

–Staten Island Mall Bus Stop

Overheard by: ryn

Pot Brownies: Now with Real Pots!

Girl: Did you bring me my brownie mix?
Guy: No; where’s that dude you were with the other night, anyway?
Girl: Who cares? He couldn’t deliver the steel.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Worst. Timecop Sequel. Ever.

Customer: My MetroCard isn't working.
Booth agent: Is it expired?
Customer: No, it's good until the end of the year.
Booth agent, looking at card: You're right, let me check it. (swipes card) Oh, you can't use it today because you already used it tomorrow.
Customer, looking confused: Oh-kaaay…
Booth agent: I will buzz you through today, but see your office administrator about this.

–86th & Lexington

All Of Me Except My Maverick Vagina

Drunk guy: You were mingling…and stuff!
Drunk girl: Nah, baby. I was mingling with you.

–11th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: HALLOWEEN

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