Because Postal Workers Are Legendary for Having Such Great Senses Of Humor

Post office dude: Where is this going to?
Chick: Germany.
Post office dude: Is there anything hazardous to your health in there?
Chick: Uh no, just magazines. And well, some of my hair that's stuck to that tape on the package as well.
Post office dude: Oh, I don't know what customs has to say about that. They will have to deal with that. But wait, I will check.
Chick: That was a joke! I'm not sending hair!
Post office dude: What, but you just said…
Chick: Wow. It was a lame joke! You can literally see half of my scalp under that tape. I tried to cut it with my teeth and and some of my hair got stuck under it… Nevermind!
Post office dude: Ugh. $16.56, please.

–Post Office, Brooklyn Heights

Posted on April 22, 2015
Brooklyn, Clerks, Customers, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Money & Class, Post Office, Questions, Stupidity

It’s a Weight Off of Your Soul

Big Hispanic queer: … So he says, ‘So, don’t you feel cleaner?’ I says, ‘Man, I feel cleaner, but what about the 20 pounds I’m supposed to lose?’
Little Hispanic queer: I thought you were supposed to lose mad weight when you got your colon cleaned.

–Prince & Broadway

Posted on April 19, 2015
Health and Hygiene, Queer guys, Rumor Has It, The Village

Another Intriguing Entry in the Bad Date Semifinals

Man on blind date: I can't believe I just went to the bathroom. Sorry, I didn't think I would have to. I guess as you get older your bladder weakens.
Woman on blind date: Yeah, I guess.

–Sushi Resteraunt, 82 & 3rd

Overheard by: im

Posted on April 18, 2015
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Dating, Health and Hygiene, Men, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper East Side, Women

Doctor, It Hurts When I Think Like This

High school girl #1: Ugh. Sorry about that. Why does everything I say sound so stupid? It's like a disease!
High school girl #2: It is a disease! I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
High school girl #1: Oh my god! Really? I should go see a doctor.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Celia

Posted on April 18, 2015
Apologies, Default, Fears, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Retardation, Students, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village

Four of Five Dentists Recommend Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Then I looked down at her and said, ‘Your bleached teeth are burning my dick!’

–Caliente Cab Co., Waverly & Green

Suit to female companion: You’ll stick your tongue up my ass, but you won’t share my toothbrush because of germs?!

–Renaissance Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: Big Larry

Girl on cell: … So then he asked me to leave my toothbrush at his place, and I said no. And then he never called me again! I’m glad I didn’t leave my toothbush there.

–1 train

Overheard by: joe d.

Guy on cell: … So I lost my job, and he brushed my teeth for six months.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Young girl to mother pushing stroller: Oh, right, like I’ve never brushed her hair. Like I’ve never fed her or brushed her teeth. What the hell have you done for her?

–63rd & Lex

Overheard by: Jillian

Posted on April 18, 2015
Health and Hygiene, Kids, On Cell, Suits

Which Is Swollen, But in a Good Way

Tiny hipster girl: So how’s the kneecap?
Hipster guy: Fuckin’ swollen.
Tiny hipster girl: Fuck yeah!
Hipster guy: Yeah. But I’m getting an elephant head tattooed next to my cock!

–Europa, Williamsburg

Overheard by: kneecaps are a real bitch

Posted on April 17, 2015
Animals & Nature, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Default, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Penis, Questions, Visual Art, Williamsburg

I Can Visualize Her Walk Exactly

Guy: Hey pretty lady, what’s your hurry? Can I have some of that?…Oh, come on, share your candy, pretty lady.
Lady: It’s Pepto Bismol, not candy.
Guy: Walk on, crappy lady, walk on.

–88th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lizzie

Posted on April 15, 2015
Creepsters, Health and Hygiene, Pick-up Lines, Poop, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

Posted on April 15, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Fashion, Fashionistas, Food, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, JAPs, Kids, Moms, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Students, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

Here, Suck on This Sugar Cube.

Son: Can I have a grape soda?
Mother: When you're 12.
Son: When I'm… 10?
Mother: When you brush you teeth better.

–49th St

Overheard by: Justin

Posted on April 11, 2015
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Drinks, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms

He’s Like a Bee Who’s Lost His Stinger

Girl: Yo, so I heard that this guy fell into a hole and was covered with molten steel and died. What a terrible way to die.
Guy: Eh, not so bad.
Girl: Well, what’s worse?
Guy: There was that guy in Germany who cut off this other guy’s penis and then ate it.
Girl: He died?
Guy: Yeah, a man dies when his dick is cut off.

–4 train

Posted on April 10, 2015
Body Parts, Death, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Violence

Health and Hygiene