Wednesday One-Liner, Huh! What Is It Good For?

JAP on cell: If more people wore glitter there would no war.

–Therapy Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for president. You know why? Dogs don't start wars.

–31St & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Randi and Patrick

(at an anti-war rally)
Street vendor: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuitton!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Oh the irony

50-something guy on cell: You see, we are a military agency, not a government agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Homeland Security guy, I punched out a civilian.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Ksenia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civil war!

–7 Train

Posted on August 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, JAPs, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, President, Punch, Retail Therapy, Store, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, War, We Love Our Pets, Words

Just the Cigarette- and Penis-Shaped Ones, Then?

Mother: And I got you some of those little erasers that look like potpies and sushi and stuff, apparently all the kids collect them and trade them these days.
Daughter: Mom, you are aware that I'm 23?

–Penn Station

Posted on August 13, 2015
Age/Aging, Ethnic Food, Food, Gifts, Girls, Kids, Moms, Parents, Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Posted on August 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Battery Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fire, Gays and Lesbians, Grand Central, Kids, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Penn Station, Poop, Sensory Experiences, Street, Suits, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You're Thirty-Five, Sweetheart

Mom: You could have held the door for me, Tommy, that's what a man does.
Tommy: I'm a boy.

–Hallway, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center

Posted on August 12, 2015
Boys, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Gender issues, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Upper East Side

Home Depot Also Sells the Industrial Grade Belt-Driven Kind

Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No… You don’t need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don’t need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren’t napkins like we use at the table. They’re… um… y’know, ladies’ things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh…

–Ladies’ room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Pippa

Posted on August 11, 2015
Boys, Default, Families, Girls, Kids, Menstruation, Store

Oh My!

Kid: What's a safari?
Young mom: It's a trip you can take in Africa where you can see animals like lions and tigers, and… bears.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kinicke

Posted on August 11, 2015
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Kids, Moms, Parents, Parks, Questions, Stupidity, Travel, Words

Drawing on Familiar Examples Is Just Good Pedagogy

Little boy: Daddy, why did you yell at that man?
Dad: Because he’s an asshole! … Like your brother!

–Penn Station

Posted on August 10, 2015
Anger Management, Dads, Family Ties, Kids, Nicknames & name calling, Penn Station

Stop Copying Me! “Stop Copying Me!” Shut Up! “Shut Up!”

Hipster guy #1: You can't be a kid forever.
Hipster guy #2: No, but you can think like one.
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, you can think like one.

–Chinatown Bus

Posted on August 10, 2015
Age/Aging, Hipsters, Kids, On the Bus

I’ll Be Late for Pilates!

Conductor: Due to train traffic ahead, this train will be going local to Roosevelt. Local to Roosevelt.
Three-year-old kid: Fuck!

–F train

Overheard by: Big J

Posted on August 9, 2015
Conductors, Gripes, Kids, On the Subway

…Carry On.

Bored babysitter: Suzie*, if Jimmy* kicked you in the head, would you cry?
Suzie*, slowly: Yes.
Bored babysitter: Then why did you kick him in the head?
Suzie*: Because I want him to cry.
Bored babysitter: Fair enough.

–85th St & Riverside

Overheard by: olivia

Posted on August 8, 2015
Body Parts, Crying, Girls, Kick, Kids, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires

Kids