Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Posted on August 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Battery Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fire, Gays and Lesbians, Grand Central, Kids, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Penn Station, Poop, Sensory Experiences, Street, Suits, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You're Thirty-Five, Sweetheart

Mom: You could have held the door for me, Tommy, that's what a man does.
Tommy: I'm a boy.

–Hallway, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center

Posted on August 12, 2015
Boys, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Gender issues, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Upper East Side

Home Depot Also Sells the Industrial Grade Belt-Driven Kind

Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No… You don’t need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don’t need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren’t napkins like we use at the table. They’re… um… y’know, ladies’ things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh…

–Ladies’ room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Pippa

Posted on August 11, 2015
Boys, Default, Families, Girls, Kids, Menstruation, Store

Oh My!

Kid: What's a safari?
Young mom: It's a trip you can take in Africa where you can see animals like lions and tigers, and… bears.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kinicke

Posted on August 11, 2015
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Kids, Moms, Parents, Parks, Questions, Stupidity, Travel, Words

Drawing on Familiar Examples Is Just Good Pedagogy

Little boy: Daddy, why did you yell at that man?
Dad: Because he’s an asshole! … Like your brother!

–Penn Station

Posted on August 10, 2015
Anger Management, Dads, Family Ties, Kids, Nicknames & name calling, Penn Station

Stop Copying Me! “Stop Copying Me!” Shut Up! “Shut Up!”

Hipster guy #1: You can't be a kid forever.
Hipster guy #2: No, but you can think like one.
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, you can think like one.

–Chinatown Bus

Posted on August 10, 2015
Age/Aging, Hipsters, Kids, On the Bus

I’ll Be Late for Pilates!

Conductor: Due to train traffic ahead, this train will be going local to Roosevelt. Local to Roosevelt.
Three-year-old kid: Fuck!

–F train

Overheard by: Big J

Posted on August 9, 2015
Conductors, Gripes, Kids, On the Subway

…Carry On.

Bored babysitter: Suzie*, if Jimmy* kicked you in the head, would you cry?
Suzie*, slowly: Yes.
Bored babysitter: Then why did you kick him in the head?
Suzie*: Because I want him to cry.
Bored babysitter: Fair enough.

–85th St & Riverside

Overheard by: olivia

Posted on August 8, 2015
Body Parts, Crying, Girls, Kick, Kids, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires

Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here!

–Grand Central

Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now.

–44th St & Broadway

Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?"

–59th St & Lexington

Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that?

–Brooklyn College

Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: christopher james

Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy.

–F Train

Posted on August 8, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Parents, Passengers, Pee, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Rape, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

Only If You Do It with Mad Flair.

Polite, cute seven-year-old black boy to mother: Mommy, how was your day?
Hot mom: Nice, I had a very nice day. Thank you for asking. How was your day?
Little boy: Pimpin! Can I play Wii when we get home, please?

–B Train

Posted on August 7, 2015
Black People, Family Ties, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Video Games

Kids