Manhattan

Wednesday One-liners Want Sexual Healing

Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.

–11th & 2nd

Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.

–Post office, Park Slope

Chick on cell: …so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters…

–In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square

Overheard by: Carol

Chick to friends: He was like, “Say you love me. Say my name. Say, ‘I love you John*!’ And I was like, “Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?”

–Lafayette & Bond

Overheard by: jayloo

$50 Says Mo Would Take That Scarecrow Out

Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”

–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A

She Bought Him a Water Fountain

Girl: But you’re not black.
Guy: You treat me like I’m black.

–Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street

Overheard by: Christopher R. Weingarten

Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Wednesday One-liners Bring It

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.

–Bobst Library, Washington Square South

Does FHM Give You Hep-A, Too?

Maxim staff #1: Yeah, we’re going to make you walk around in a plastic bubble or something.
Maxim staff #2: …NO, that is not THE RIGHT KIND of herpes!
Maxim staff #3: Is there a RIGHT kind of herpes?

–Midtown elevator

Something Like That

Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: I’m not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think it’s, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didn’t have time to wait for it to cook, right?

–Hotel Gansevoort lobby, Meatpacking District

Overheard by: Cynthia Z

Hope Her Charger Has a Really Long Cord

Hippy girl: So yeah, we are gonna be living in this yurt for a year without electricity or running water or anything. It’s all about getting back to our roots and stuff.
Guy: No electricity or anything? What if you have to call someone or something?
Hippy girl: I’ll just use my cell phone.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Kelly Ernst

Wednesday One-liners Need Some Space

Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They’re giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.

–M2 bus

Guy: I hate this city. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a production.

–W 44th, near filming of Spiderman 3

Overheard by: Alex

Wednesday One-liners Subway Scenes

MTA guy: Let ’em off, let ’em off. It’s just like sex, you gotta get it out to get it in.

–1 train

Overheard by: Andrew Litwin

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