Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You know I can't come over, I'm a daddy now! I have a dog! He needs me 24/7. I can't leave his sight, not even for a second! I'm just out for a moment to buy him some food, but other than that…

–Crosstown Bus

Souvenir seller: Get your doggy diary! Get your puppy program! Get your beagle bible! Get your bulldog blog!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Man at payphone: They tried to catch the hero dog, but he ran away.

–107 & West End

Overheard by: kdub

Half tone-deaf guy with guitar, singing: I'll marry you for your Green card, but I'll sleep with your sister cause she's prettier than you. She's 75 years old, never been touched by a man, let alone a dog…

–1 Train

Overheard by: CreateEvity

Man leaning out of car, to man walking Schnauzer: Excuse me…that's a Marmaduke?

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff S.

Woman on cell: If I don't get a dog soon I'm totally going to get pregnant.

–Wall Street

Posted on April 1, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Food, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Internet, Madison Square Garden, Man's Best Friend, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Singing, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Time, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

You Already Did That Twice in the Club

Party girl, bending over to pet a dog tied to a mailbox: Hi, puppy!
Male friend: Don't do that, don't pet a strange dog.
Random black guy, barking: He gonna bite your hand!
Party girl: I'm going to bite your hand.
Random black guy: You bite my hand, I bite yo booty.

–Hudson & 10th

Overheard by: erkala

Posted on March 26, 2009
Advice, Ass, Bimbettes, Black People, Body Parts, Friends, Man's Best Friend, Street, Threats, Weirdness, West Village

You Can Always Tell Which Conductors Have Children

Conductor #1 on loudspeaker: Hey, Rich, can you bring my stuff into the train station once we get into Grand Central? I would, but some guy in car two won't move his big stupid dog and I can't get it past.
Conductor #2: Clifford? The big red stupid dog in your way? Alright, I got it.

–Grand Central Train

Overheard by: mq

Posted on March 14, 2009
Conductors, Grand Central, Man's Best Friend, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway

It'll Break Your Heart and Steal Your Friends

Crazy man, about dog: How old is she?
Dog owner: Five.
Crazy man: Doing better than I am! (wagging finger to dog) Stay away from curried chicken!

–East River Promenade

Posted on March 2, 2009
Age/Aging, Crazies, Food, Man's Best Friend, Men, Upper East Side

Challenge: Read This without Googling the Video

Hot girl: Did you see the videos online of Florence Henderson wiping dog poop on some girl's face?
Even hotter girl: No, what the hell are you talking about?
Hot girl: Some video on YouTube.

–Rockefeller Center

Posted on March 1, 2009
Bimbettes, Body Parts, Internet, Man's Best Friend, Poop, Questions, Rockefeller Center

He Also Totally Has an Eye for Decorating

Passerby to guy walking dog: Is your male dog squatting to pee?
Dog owner: I know. It's so embarrassing.

–86th St & Columbus

Posted on February 20, 2009
Man's Best Friend, Pee, Questions, Strangers, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Every One-Liner Has Its Wednesday

Well-dressed black girl to well-groomed black standard poodle with owner: Oh, look at your nice hair! You work it girl!

–22nd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Tigertail

Middle-age woman to overgroomed poodle, as it takes a dump in the middle of the sidewalk: Ohhhhh! Charlie, that's looking a bit creamy! Yum, yum! (pause as the dog sniffs his mess) No, don't eat it!

–14th St & University Place

Overheard by: Bee

Crazy hobo in wheelchair, to small dog on leash passing by: Meow. Meow! Meow!

–Union Square

Large black man to his shaggy dog: Just because it's there doesn't mean you can pee on it. That's a nice bike!

–9th St & 50th St

Overheard by: EmGusk

Man trying to control his barking dog: No! No anxiety! Bad dog! No anxiety!

–St. Mark's & Ave A

Overheard by: french bulldog with narcissism

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Hair, Hobos, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Psychology, Street, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Women

This Cannot End Well

Black girl: I'm gonna have my dog bite your ass.
Black boy: Yeah, right, I'll sic mad pigeons after that shit.

–E 103rd & Lexington

Posted on February 1, 2009
Ass, Birds, Black People, Boys, Girls, Man's Best Friend, Threats, Upper East Side, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Kosher

Suit on Bluetooth headset: You just lie on the ground and squeal like a pig!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Justin

Chick on cell: A theatrical fashion show of people in assless pleather chaps and pig masks…

–W 26th St b/w 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Ladle

Hipster chick: I love bulldogs; they're like little alien piglets.

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Sorority girl, walking dog, to friend: Didn't you have a pig you could squeeze and make poop come out?

–113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor: Your mother is a pigfucker. Now, I hope you don't all go home and cry because I said that.

–Brooklyn College

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Man's Best Friend, On Cell, One-liners, Poop, Questions, Sorority Girls, Street, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Peanut, Pinenut, Ground Nut, Wednesday One-Liner Nut…

Ghetto girl: Hmm, I know what a peanut is, but what a walnut is?

–147th & Broadway

Man on cell: It's quite possible that my left nut is bigger than my right nut.

–82nd & Broadway

Girlfriend to boyfriend: So that's why Yoda sounds like busting a nut!

–Ave A & 6th St

Guy to friend: I've been bitten in the nuts by two different Scottish Terriers.

–7th Ave b/w 24th & 25th

Overheard by: Carmen

Guy on cell: I'm just like an anorexic. Every time they look in the mirror, they think "I'm not skinny enough," but I look in the mirror and think "these pants aren't tight enough," even though everyone tells me they can see my nuts.

–L Train

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Balls, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Food, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Street, Trees and plants, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Man’s Best Friend