Music

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.

–N Train

Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Overheard by: motivated

Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!

–R Train

Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Angela

Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!

–C Train

Overheard by: Patient Passenger

Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

Guy: Here you go, brother.
Hobo: Thanks. Hey, are you the guy who asked me for a remix?

–A train

Overheard by: quiubomona

College kid #1: I want to see the Messiah.
College kid #2: Like, actually? Or Handel?
College kid #1: … Handel.

–Lincoln Square

Obnoxious girl singing Spice Girls loudly: Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want..
Bus driver, over mic: What d'you want?

–Q34 Bus

Overheard by: Donna

Hipster #1 listening to Arabic music: Is this Sting?
Hipster #2: They aren’t even speaking English!

–Le Rendez-Vous Cafe

Overheard by: Pete

Hobo to female passerby (singing): Pretty woman, walking down the street/Pretty woman, eating a hamburger…

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: Hungry Bystander

Salesgirl to another: You look pretty today…for a little Filipino girl.

–American Eagle, SoHo

Overheard by: Holly

Loud hobo walking through crowded train: Lots of beautiful ladies on this train. Beautiful white ladies. Beautiful black ladies. I like her hat. (turns to one shy-looking girl) Do you wear makeup? You shouldn't. You don't need it, you are so beautiful. If you have any makeup, just throw it away. Or send it to my girl, cuz she is ugly.

–Downtown 4 Train

50-something woman to pretty 20-something girl: I just wanted you to know that our husbands over there think you are one of the most beautiful girls they have ever seen. So now our husbands are going to have sex with my friend and I tonight. They may be thinking of you during, but thanks to you I am going to have an orgasm tonight, so thank you for being so gorgeous.

–Boat Basin Cafe

Overheard by: Megan W.

Guy on iPhone: You think because you're pretty you can get away with that shit. Well, you're wrong! You can get away with that shit because you're rich!

–Duane Reade, Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Thug #1: Man, this nigga is so gangsta.
Thug #2, sharing thug #1’s headphones: Word. Although, really I think he just raps like that because he’s really vulnerable right now.

–L train, 1st Ave

Overheard by: kanye’s therapist

Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry