Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Stage

Theater geek: So I was looking at auditions for this post-apocalyptic drama, and the ad said, "we're looking for men, all shapes and sizes. Actually no, you have to be ridiculously skinny, totally emaciated, on the verge of death. And… oh yeah, you have to have stringy hair. And be really bony. And my dad said, "you definitely need to try out for this!"

–TKTS Booth, Times Square

Overheard by: Not Emaciated

Guy: No, I didn't do the graphics–I mean, the play's about Adam and Eve, but do they put naked people on the postcard to sell tickets? No, they have a cartoon of an apple. I don't understand.

–Minetta Lane Theater

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Bathroom attendant at West Side Story: C'mon, people! Short line, long intermission! (toilet flushes) Hear that? That's music to somebody's bladder!

–Palace Theatre

Overheard by: Maggie

Audience member, at interval of Aida: Hey, this is better than Grease!

–Metropolitan Opera

Disgruntled usher: I swear by every god of Jupiter that these are your seats.

–The Ambassador Theatre, 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: The Moons of Jupiter Were Already Spoken For

Posted on December 30, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Fruit, God, Guys, Hair, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Physical appearance, Questions, Religion, Stupidity, Theater, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners

That's What Webcabs Are For, Sweetie.

Mother to bouncing daughter: No, you can not look in that window! Do you want to be a Peeping Tom?
Daughter: Let me see! Let me see!

–Redhook, Brooklyn

Posted on December 29, 2009
Brooklyn, Kids, Moms, Movies, Parents, Questions, Wishes & desires

By the Time South Park Mocks You, You're Over

Dad to seven-year-old: Do you want to see 2012?
Seven-year-old: God, no. Who directed it? Michael Bay?

–Regal Theater, 14th St

Posted on December 27, 2009
About Celebrities, Dads, Kids, Movies, Parents, Theater, Wishes & desires

Tonight's Movie: She Got Blame

Little girl with large nose and pink jacket: Mommy, why is it cold out?
Mom with large nose wearing blue parka: Because your father is an asshole!

–F Train

Posted on December 27, 2009
Comebacks, Family Ties, Insults, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Weather

Sometimes, Wednesday Uses One-Liners As a Crutch

Man in shorts on cell: Well, I think what happened is he lost his pinky because of the forklift. But that's not the point of this conversation, let's talk about me here.

–186th St & Bennet Ave

Overheard by: Rina

Girl: And she's so awkward on crutches, it's so annoying!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: MR T

Guy on cell: So he tried to kill a roach and broke his knee, and that's why he's on crutches for the rest of summer.

–Union Square

Mother to young son: Sweetie, don't trip and bust your head open. I don't have no duct tape to put it back together.

–Laundromat, 48th St & 10th Ave

Blueberry salesman, as woman in crutches hobbles past: You hoppin', but you ain't stoppin'!

–Greenmarket

Posted on December 23, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clerks, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Handicaps, Insects, Kids, Laundromat, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Retards & Handicaps, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesdays Would Sell Their Souls for Some One-Liners

Theology professor, after struggling with projection screen: This is Satan doing this to me.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Crazy man with bullhorn: Hanukkah is for God, Christmas is for Satan!

–Fordham Plaza

Conductor: This is an uptown a train making all local stops. Yes, you heard right, all local stops. The e train is out of service today, as it is on a vacation to hell. Stand clear of the closing doors, please!

–A Train

Overheard by: Kirstie

Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay-Z is like a devil worshipper. No, seriously, he's like a Freemason or whatever. They all are: him, Madonna, Britney…

–J Train

Seven-year-old tourist to mother: Are we going somewhere safe where the devil won't get me?

–34th & 28th

Posted on December 23, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Crazies, Education, Fears, Friends, Girls, God, Holidays, Judaism, Kids, Men, Moms, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Satan, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Mommy Drinks to Forget You.

Child, playing with friends: Shut up, goddam it! I said shut up!
Mother: Keep your voice down, mommy has a headache.

–6BC Community Garden

Overheard by: Sara

Posted on December 22, 2009
Friends, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Should've Used a Condom

…In Unrelated News.

Smelly white teenager #1: Yo, man! I haven't been to school in over a week and a half. I've been just chillin' with my girlfriend.
Smelly white teenager #2: Oh, wow! Really?
Smelly white teenager #1: Yeah, I dunno what I'm gonna tell my parents–you know, when I first heard of the Passion of the Christ I thought it was a porno.

–Q58 Bus

Overheard by: Queens Girl

Posted on December 21, 2009
Bus, Education, Jesus, Movies, On the Bus, Parents, School and studying, Stupidity, Teens, White People

God's Only-Begotten Son

Little boy: Dad, can I try to fix your watch?
Dad: Wait until we get home.
Little boy, crying: You don't trust me with anything!
Dad: No, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that fixing a watch is very hard. Not even David Blaine can replace a tiny screw on a crowded stretch of Broadway.
Little boy: Who's David Blaine?

–Broadway & Prince

Posted on December 19, 2009
About Celebrities, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Dads, Gadgets, Kids, Magic, Offers and requests, Parents, Soho

Parents