Parents

Stop Fighting This Instant or We Will Turn These Wednesday One-Liners Around and Go Home!

British tourist to misbehaving child: Do you want a smacked bottom now or the other thing when we get home?

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

–Grocery Store

Father to four-year-old son: Watch out, these people are trying to kill us.

–36th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: benny

Guy to son who is hesitant about seat in theater: If I had been this choosy with your mom, you wouldn't be here!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: I don't want to hear about your hunger pangs right now. Now turn around and look at the sea lions.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kathcom

The Neverending Story

Tot, slapping storybook shut: No! The end!
Father: Leee-o.
Tot: Pleeease no!

–F Train

Overheard by: Deborah Smith

It's Right in The Gospel Of Lucas

Eldest son, Coming from church in Sunday best: So, dad, does Star Wars take place in the past or the future?
Dad: The past.
(pause)
Son: Wait… that doesn't make any sense!
Dad: “Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: NIckET

Why Am I So Happy?

Kid: Daddy, I want a big car.
Dad: If you want a big car, you have to get a good job.
Kid: I want to be an artist like you.
Dad: Well, I went to college for art and now I don't have a lot of money and I don't have a car.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Child-Averse Art Hater

I Can't Read the Work Permit

Very little black kid, anxiously standing in line: Mommy, why can't I get dessert?
Mother: Why don't you get a job, nigga?

–KFC

You Get Too Smart and You End Up Like That Guy in the Wheelchair

Daughter: I'm just thinking out loud.
Mother: Well, don't. Keep it in your head.
Daughter: But mom, it's the only way I can include you in my thoughts.
Mother: That's okay.
Daughter: But mom, don't you want to be smart?
Mother: No, I'm okay the way I am.

–Kew Gardens Road & Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Laura

…It's Giving Birth to a CD!

Girl to group of students: The hard disk is like the motherboard of the computer.
Boy in group: Oh!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Thin Alcoholics, Though

Waspy girl #1: My mom and I are in a huge fight right now.
Waspy girl #2: Really? That sucks.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, especially because to punish me she's taking me shopping.
Waspy girl #2: What?
Waspy girl #1: We go to all these stores and she makes me try on all these clothes while she makes comments about how fat I'm getting. And then she doesn't buy me anything because according to her I'm a whale.
Waspy girl #2: Wow.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, I know. And people wonder why Wasps tend to be such alcoholics.

–Metro-North Train

A Crazy Shiksa

Girl #1: My dad used to call me that. He would say, “Bye bye, meshugana,” and I always thought he was saying, “Bye bye my sugar, now.” I was a confused kid.
Girl #2: Or just a shiksa.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

And It's a Little Early to Negotiate for Alimony

Mom to little girl punching her in the butt on their way out of the bank: Don't you hit me! What's wrong with you?
Girl, whining: But I want my own money.
Mom: Well, you don't have a checking account now, do you?

–56th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Nikki G

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