Then She Pepper-Sprayed Me and Ran Off with the Book

Latina girl #1: Oh my god, I was, like, so excited for Christmas, 'cause I thought my cousin was gonna get me that ill jacket I saw at the mall but he got me… (pauses for effect)
Latina girl #2: Oh my god, whaaaat?
Latina girl #1: The Twilight series!
Latina girl #2: Oh my fucking god, are you serious?
Latina girl #1: Yeah! And I was like, “papi, I need a new bookshelf for my Twilight books, you know?
Latina girl #2: Yeahhhhh.
Latina girl #1: Yeah, so then he was like, “aight, I'm gonna get you that bookshelf.” It was sooo exciting.
Latina girl #2: Didn't you already have the first book?
Latina girl #1: Yeah, I did. But I lent it to Jean Carla, and she gave it back to me last week. Oh man, I'm so protective of it, and it got bent. I was on the train, trying to bend it back, and I was like so upset, and this lady came up to me and was like, “sweetie, you alright?” and I said, “no. I won't ever be alright.”

–N Train

Overheard by: No Longer A Twilight Fan

Posted on June 16, 2009
Books & Writing, Clothing, Family Ties, Gifts, Girls, Latinos, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity

And We'll Be There Shortly, Woman!

Male conductor: Due to the lateness of this train, the next stop will be Bay Parkway.
(pause)
Female conductor: The next stop will be 62nd Street.
Male conductor: This train will now run express. The next stop is Bay Parkway.
Female conductor: Con-duct-tor! The next…
Male conductor: Okay, okay. The next stop is 62nd Street.

–D Train

Overheard by: I hate the D train

Posted on June 15, 2009
Conductors, Directions, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Talking/Convos, Weirdness

People Are Drawn to Closing Doors, Like Moths to a Flame

Conductor, very loudly and emphatically: This is 28th Street. 34th Street is next, stand clear of the closing doors!
Four-year-old girl to mother: Why is he upset?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: mersayseh

Posted on June 13, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions

I Was Told There'd Be No Wednesday One-Liner on This Exam

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there are four doors on each subway car. If one of them is crowded, walk over to another door. Seriously! We do not need 86 people standing at 86th Street. Just move to another door. It's simple mathematics!

–C Train

Teen shopper to friend: I like hate math except for like…when I'm counting calories and stuff.

–Fashion Closet

Girl to guy: Some people believe in the laws of attraction, I believe in the laws of subtraction.

–Bus Stop Cafe

Pharmacist to another: What's one half of a half?

–CVS

African-American father to five-year-old daughter: You see? That's why I send you to a Chinese school. Because those Chinese kids know how to do math. You gotta know how to do math if you want to make something of yourself. If I sent you to a black school, you'd just turn into a crackhead. If I sent you to a white school you'd turn into an asshole. But those Chinese kids, man, they know how to do shit.

–4 Train

Teacher: And if your friend comes up to you and says, "man, yesterday I had cosecant pi plus cotangent 2 pi slices of pizza today," …and you went and figured it out, you'd look at him and say "man, you're an asshole!"

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: Kevo

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Dads, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hunter, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pizza, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Science, Store, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Won't Want to Breathe in Again Once We Reach Brooklyn

Train conductor: Next stop, 2nd Ave. Please do not push and shove, this might result in a fight unless you like to fight.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is 2nd Ave. It is now okay for all of you to take a deep breath. The next stop is Delancy Street.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is Delancy Street. For all of you that are still holding your breath, it is now okay to breath out.

–F Train

Overheard by: LunchBox

Posted on May 30, 2009
Advice, Fighting and ass kicking, On the Subway, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors

If Worse Comes to Worse, We Can Pacify Them with Beer

Preteen boy, on his way to St. Patrick's Parade: Mommy, how long do we have to be on this train?
Mother: A few minutes.
Preteen boy: Mommy! This is like when the Nazis took all those people to concentration camps!
Mother: Yeah, but they were German, these people are Irish.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Shane

Posted on May 29, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Hitler/Nazis, Moms, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Tweens

Snakes on a Floor Was a Disappointing Sequel

Male straphanger, laughing: Why didn't you run out of the car like everyone else when you saw my six-foot yellow snake crawling on the floor?
Female straphanger, serious: I have one just like it at home! You coming back again tomorrow, so I can get another seat?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hansi

Posted on May 29, 2009
Animals & Nature, Laughter, On the Subway, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions

He's About a Minute Away from Devolving Into, “Red Rum! Red Rum!”

Adorable singing toddler: Too many people! Too many people! Too many people!
(train stops at station)
Adorable singing toddler: This train needs to move!
Woman sitting nearby: This kid is *awesome*!
(minutes later)
Adorable toddler, still singing: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Be quiet, cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow! Shhh…cat, be quiet. You're not my cat, be quiet! Meow? Meow! Meow meow!

–Downtown 3 Train