WedNRAsday One-Liners

Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.

–Midtown

Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.

–Roosevelt Island Golf Center

Overheard by: erak

40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.

–The High Line

60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?

–Prince & Sullivan

Posted on May 12, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Families, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower East Side, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Soho, Suits, Thievery, Threats, Trees and plants, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Smug, Superior Wednesday One-Liners

NYU girl: I love authentic ethnic food, but not authentic ethnic service. Could you please Americanize your demeanor when you hand me a plate? I like service with a smile.

–Washington Square Park

Emo girl to friend, laughing hysterically, with a huge smile on his face: Stop! You've used up two of my three allotted daily smiles.

–R Train

College boy: We should put them on our penises. So it looks like a smiley face every time we pee.

–Williamsburg

Math teacher, seeing smiley face on board: Is that a penis?

–Hunter College High School

Posted on May 12, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Hunter, Laughter, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Questions, Sorority Girls, Teachers/Professors, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Almost As Though There'd Been a Wall in Between

Girl #1: So you just got back from Berlin? What was that like?
Girl #2: Great. It's like two cities.

–NYU

Posted on May 11, 2010
Girls, Global Geography, NYU, Questions, Travel

Congress?

Daughter, after seeing steaks on a barbecue: Is that pig?
Mother: No, it's cow.
Daughter: Ew! Gross!
Mother: Where did you think pork came from?

–Street Festival, Myrtle Ave

Posted on May 11, 2010
Brooklyn, Families, Food, Moms, Parades & Festitivites, Questions, Stupidity

We Prefer “The Sittin' Squad,” But Yeah.

Suit, blocking newly vacated seat and motioning to young woman at other end of the car: Would you like to sit?
Older woman, closer to the seat: Who the fuck is he… The seat police?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Posted on May 10, 2010
Cops, Insults, Old People, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Women

I'll Take That As a Compliment.

Incredibly loud old black woman with cane, addressing two teenage boys with ponytails: Hey! You both got long hair! Are you faggots?
Boys, laughing: Nah, nah.
Loud black woman: You like dick?
Boy #1: Nah, we good.
Loud black woman: So you like pussy?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Yeah, we like pussy.
Random eavesdropping guy: I like pussy!
Loud black woman to boy #1: You a handsome motherfucker. You sure you don't like dick?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Loud black woman: Good. If you was a faggot I'd stick my cane up your ass.

–Uptown 1 Train

Posted on May 10, 2010
Black People, Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Laughter, Old People, On the Subway, Penis, Questions, Threats, Vagina

Can a Striptease Be Far Behind?

12-year-old boy #1: So, how tight do you wear your underwear?
12-year-old boy #2: Not that tight. I mean, I wear like boxers.

–34th & 5th

Posted on May 9, 2010
Fashion, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Physical appearance, Questions, Tweens

Britney Always Gets “A's” in Sulk and Sarcasm

Physics teacher: Who wants to read problem five?
Girl in front of room: Who wants to drink cyanide for breakfast?

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on May 9, 2010
Education, Fast Times at New York High, Queens, Questions, School and studying, Students, Suicide, Teachers/Professors

…It's Taking Everything I Can Muster Not to Grab Your Ass Right Now.

Girl: There are six feet in that bathroom stall! You should check it out.
Employee: Do I look like a sex cop to you?

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Posted on May 7, 2010
Clerks, Cops, Girls, Questions, Sex, Store, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences!

–La Lanterna, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural.

–Bryant Park

Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy!

–30th St & 9th Ave

Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you!

–The Met

Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder!

–86th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office!

–Court & Carroll, Brooklyn

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Pee, Questions, Suits, The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Questions